LaLa's HiLo Log

Meme of Threes

2006-11-17T13:47:00.000-05:00

I have an ever-growing pile of essays I could be grading right now, but instead I'm writing responses to this Meme.... Priorities? Not on Fridays :)

Three Things I Do Every Day:
Test my blood sugar, tell my fiance and family that I love them, chew gum

Three Things I Wish I Could Do Every Day:
Keep my blood sugar between 100-120 all day, drink the recommended amount of water, and wake up next to my fiance (only 7 more months to go!!)

Three Hopes I Have for Today:
That my nail appointment goes well (we're getting engagement pics tomorrow, so I'm getting fake nails tonight), that my fiance arrives back to PA safely, that I have made a positive difference in one student's life

Three Things I Hear:
the quiet hum of my the air conditioner in my room, the quiet mumur of student voices as they peer review essays, my fingers tapping on the keyboard

Three Ways I Have Changed my Life:
Became an exercise enthusiast, allowed myself to be "imperfect", fallen in completely in love

Three People I Wish I Could See Again:
My grandpap, My great-grandma, my five-year old self

Three Items I Wish I Owned:
A working pancreas, 20+ acres of land in the country, a Christmas tree farm

Three Wishes I Had When I Was Young:
To be a rock star (I still have the pink leggings I planned to wear for my premiere), To fall in love, that I could find a job where I could sleep in until at least 9 each morning (still looking for that one!)

Three Fears I Have:
Losing a loved one, health issues, disappointing those that love me

Three Things on My Desk:
Pictures of my friends and family, my Maxine mousepad, and two bottles of Dasani water (refer to "Three Things I Wish I could do everyday).

Three Thoughts in My Mind:
I could really go for another Diet Coke, Is the day over yet?, Why am I writing this instead of grading essays??? Oy...

Happy Friday!

Things the general public SHOULD know by now about Type 1 Diabetes

2006-11-09T14:20:00.000-05:00

When I learned that today was the D-Blog day, I tried to think of something touching and poignant to write. Unfortunately, it's just not one of those days, so the end result is something smart-assy and sarcastic. I mean no disrespect, I simply wanted to vent on a few misconceptions/annoyances I've encountered in my (almost) 5 years as a diabetic.

Without further ado - in no particular order:

Just because the Oatmeal Guy says "Di-a-bee-tus" that does not mean that it is the correct pronounciation. Try out "di-a-bee-tees" once. It rolls off the tongue. Trust me.
Having "sugar" sounds old school; the new kids on the (diabetes) block (and by that I mean me) prefer "diabetic" or "pancreatically challenged.
For the zillionth time "Yes, I can eat whatever I @#$%&*) want to - thanks for asking."
Insulin pumps do not mean that the diabetic has poor control, "sugar really bad", and no - I am not about to die. I'm simply using a method that works best for me, just as others who use multiple daily injections are doing so because it works for them.
I plan on keeping my limbs with me until they plop my wrinkly, sagging, 90 year old body into a casket - so please spare me the stories of the numerous people who had their limbs hacked off because of (cue the whisper) "Sugar".
While "Steel Magnolias" is a wonderful movie, it is not an accurate indication of what life will be like for me when I try to have children.
In reply to comments such as "I could never stick myself/give myself shots/eat such a strict diet" - You could, and would, if you wanted to life and maintain a high quality of living.
No - I cannot just take a pill.
No - I'm not lazy, a poor eater, and I was not overweight before I was diagnosed - those two factors are not usually related to Type 1, and even with Type 2, those generalizations are not appropriate (or appreciated) for most who are diagnosed.
Unless you have diabetes or are a parent/close relative of a diabetic, please do not act as if you know everything about diabetes just because you have an acquaintance who has a "touch of sugar." If they have a "touch of sugar," you are probably out of "touch" with what diabetes really involves.

I could go on for numerous bullets, but I'll stop there. My underlying, not-so-subtle message is that the general public needs to be more educated on diabetes. Until more education is provided on diabetes, I am going to have to live with the comments/annoyances mentioned above. If I have to form polite replies to comments like I've mentioned for the next 10 years, at least I'll know that I'm educating the general public, one person at a time. That's better than nothing, but it's not nearly as quickly as I'd like it. Please be a vocal advocate for diabetes awareness. Even if we only speak to those in our realm of influence, we are still speaking and are still letting our voices be heard.

I'll close with a very fitting quote by Margaret Mead
"Never doubt that a group of thoughtful concerned citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

Diabetics - changing the world, one misconception at a time...

Symlin Question

2006-11-08T13:20:00.000-05:00

My mom has been on me lately to ask my new endo (who I'll see in January) about Symlin. She thinks it's ideal for me because I haven't seen a big improvement in my control since starting the pump (but it's only been since May and I've had a pretty shoddy endo the entire time...), and I go through periods where I seem to be hungry all the time. Evenings are the worst for me. It's like I don't want to stop eating until I go to sleep.

My question is for those of you out there who have tried or who are trying Symlin. How did/does it work for you? Do you love it? Hate it? Did it work?

Any feedback or info would be helpful!!!

Thank you in advance for your comments...

5 Randon Things

2006-11-07T15:10:00.001-05:00

Thanks for the tag, Kelsey! :) I thought everyone forgot about me!

Okay, folks - here are 5 random things about yours truly

1. Like Kerri, I too have an issue with chewing gum. For example, by 10 AM today I was on my third piece. I guess you could say I'm a chain chewer. Sounds bizarre, I know, but I'm rarely without a piece (or two) in my mouth. On the upside, I always have minty breath, so perhaps there are some benefits to this vice.

2. When I see someone I know in the grocery store (or really anywhere in public), I'll purposely try to avoid the aisles they are in so that I don't have to try to make conversation. Yes, bizarre again, but I think this is a byproduct of my antisocial tendancies. I love people and I'm a very caring person, but I honestly suck at making small talk. My fiance, on the other hand, enjoys conversing with random strangers wherever we go. By the time we leave the grocery store, he's already asked three to four customers about different products they've put in their carts. Last trip to the grocery store, he learned that natural peanut butter is healthier than regular PB (we ended up buying the regular anyway), the deli has the best cold cuts on Wednesday, and the new Chex Mix varites "rock" (direct quote from a teenager who was also picking up a cube of Mountain Dew - ah, the adolescent years...) I figure we're such extreme opposites, we'll end up balancing each other out in the end. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

3. Two nights ago, I randomly tested both of my parent's blood sugars after eating. We were talking about feeling "low" because my dad feels hypoglycemic from time to time, so my mom suggested that I check his blood sugar every so often to see what's going on there. I checked both of them (my dad insisted that she get checked too since she mentioned it) and I realized that I've never done that for them even though I've been diabetic for 5 years. Is that odd? (They were 113, and 115 respectively, lucky loos)

4. I was secretly relieved to learn that Britney Spears filed for divore today from K-Fed. Rest assured: I'm wallowing in personal disdain. And humming "You Drive me crazy..."

5. At every meal, I wait until I am completely finished eating before I drink anything. This practice was drilled in my head during my kindergarten year at a Catholic school. The teacher told us that if we drank anything, it meant that we were done eating, so from then on, I've always eaten what I wanted to eat for the meal before taking a drink. I get a little anxious watching people take sips of water or other beverages throughout their meal. I guess I think my kindergarten teacher is going to appear and swipe away their food for drinking mid-meal. Bizarre... you see the trend here, yes??

On a Side Note:
I saw my podiatrist tonight to have my calluses shaved off, and the nurse who preps my feet before the Dr. comes in always asks me about my "sugar." This time she asked about my A1C and when I told her it was 7.2, her eyes got big and she said, "Oh no - that's not good at all!" I smiled politely, and responded, "My endocrinologist finds it acceptable." She gave a "tsk, tsk" sound and then left the room. Oiy - do we have to educate EVERYONE on diabetes?? Even medical professionals who should KNOW BETTER?? I realize podiatrists probably see their fair share of patients with diabetes complications, so they're probably more cautious about high numbers than others might be, but for pete's sake - must I endure ridicule everywhere??

Rant for the day: Check....

Not as bad...

2006-10-30T11:08:00.000-05:00

This weekend, while checking my students' journals, I came across this note from a student:

"My mom has sugar too, but not as bad; I'll probably have it one day too. I pray for a cure for you both and wish you all the best with your sugar."

I felt so torn after reading this note. On one hand, I was touched by the student's thoughtfulness and compassion for me, her teacher. On the other hand, the phrase "not as bad" is echoing in my head. I've repeatedly analyzed anything I might have shared with the students that may have led her to think that my condition was "bad." I considered that her mom may have Type 2, so she may think taking insulin = bad. Or, her mom may have Type 1, but may control her blood sugar with shots, so she may think that an insulin pump (which is noticeable on me most days) denotes a worse condition.

I don't know. I'm definitely torn.

I don't feel I have bad control, but my endo might think otherwise. My A1C's have been sticking in the low 7's, which I know is not great, but right now, it seems to be the best I can do. I'm hoping my new endo will help me to get my A1C down to the mid 5's so that I'm in better shape when the man and I want to have kids. I'm trying to be more proactive and vigilant about my blood sugar control, but I don't think I'm going to see much improvement until I get some constructive feedback from a good endo.

The phrase "not as bad" is still echoing in my head. I've tried to drown it out with rebuttals, but the cold, hard truth (that my control COULD be better) won't be silenced.

A glimpse at the future?

2006-10-17T09:39:00.000-04:00

The other evening my mom got lab results from some recent bloodwork: her cholesterol, HDL, LDL and all that stuff. As the nurse was reading her results, my mom was writing them down on a slip of paper and, after hearing the numbers, there was a pause as the nurse talked to my mom for a minute and then my mom responded: "Well, I'm already doing all of those things, so I don't really know what else to change."

Turns out that my mom has high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and her other numbers are out of range as well. Of course these things are almost expected as one ages, but the real kicker is that my mom is a certifiable health nut. She exercises an hour a day, almost 7 days a week. She eats very healthy, sensisble, portion-controlled meals, and she doesn't smoke, and only has a glass or two of wine a week. The nurse apparently recommended that she make some changes: eat a high fiber, low sugar diet and to try to incorporate exercise. Needless to say, my mom was at a loss! She already does all of those things! She saw her doctor yesterday, and he recommended Fish Oil capsules, but the capsules are huge (apparently) and my mom can't swallow pills (she practically has to drink a gallon of water just to get an small ibuprofren down). Last night she seemed really dejected and I just wanted to be able to say something or do something for her. I'm sure she feels really defeated right now because she's doing all of the things she's supposed to be doing but it's just not helping. Unfortunately, we have a family history (on both sides - lucky me!) of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart disease. So, in essence, she's stuck with bad genes. And so am I. Joy.

Before I let this post sink into the absolute depths of despair, I'll try to insert a little optimism. I know that my mom feels really upset by this news, but I tried to tell her that she'd be so much worse off if she wasn't already doing those things. As a diabetic, I know I have to tell myself that I'm much better off doing my best than doing nothing at all. Perhaps this is just the way I rationalize not being "perfect," but I think sometimes all we can do is do our best and accept what comes our way. Based on the genes I've inherited, I have a feeling I'll have to make this my motto for the rest of my life if I want to live with any shred of peace and happiness.

I know this may sound ignorant, and for that I apologize in advance, but I can't help but wonder if it's harder for a "normal" person (a person without a chronic disease) to learn that even though they're doing everything they are supposed to be doing, it just isn't cutting it. I guess at some point everyone realizes that their body isn't infallible - it's a human body, prone to error and malfunctions - some just malfunction shoddier ways than others.

25 Randon Things on my 25th Birthday

2006-10-13T09:45:00.000-04:00

I turn 25 today, and I thought I'd mark the day with a post of 25 Random things about me...

Because, honestly folks, I'm nothing if not RANDOM!!! haha

1. I had a hideous amount of ear infections as a child; I came to detest cotton balls being shoved in my ears. To this day, I shiver a little when I see cotton balls.

2. When I was two years old, I'd wear my mom's bras around my neck and walk around the house. This became less cute when we had visitors. Regardless, there is a picture of me sitting beside our Christmas tree that year with - of course - a tan bra around my neck.

3. I totaled my parent's candy apple red mini van 1 month after my 16th birthday. The rear wheel broke off, sending the van - and me - rolling twice before stopping. Amazingly I wasn't hurt at all.

4. I gave my first kiss in first grade. It was just a kiss on the cheek, but the boy I kissed went home and told his mom, who shared this tidbit with my mom. Needless to say, I was treated to a little mother-daughter talk.

5. My first real boyfriend "won me" by beating out two other guys in a football game during recess. I should have taken that as a bad omen for my future experiences with guys (up until present time, of course ;)

6. I got a short haircut in 5th grade, and my best friend told me - in front of my crush - that I looked like Marsha Washington. At that age, I didn't know who Martha Washington was, but I figured it couldn't be good. I cried in the girl's room for a while over that one.

7. My grandma is very, very dear to me. We've had a close bond ever since I was a baby. When I was collicky, grandma was the only one who could quiet me down. I think my dad still adores her to this day because of that fact!

8. I'm very close with my family. Even though they can drive me a little nuts at times, I'd be lost without them.

9. I "found" myself when I went to college. I also found beer, a love of low-lifes with athletic builds, and pilates. 2 out of three isn't bad, right??

10. I love peanuts. When I get the munchies, peanuts are my splurge of choice. Unfortunately, this has a damaging effect on my ever growing booty.

11. Up until meeting my fiance, I had never "dated" someone for longer than 3 months. The man and I are going on three years in January - be still my heart :)

12. I haven't kept in touch with any friends from high school - ouch... ???

13. On the other hand, I have 2 really good friends from college that I"ve remained in contact with.

14. My favorite flowers are peach roses, and each year for my bday, my parents send me peach roses :).

15. I named my first Cabbage Patch doll Alysse, and now I can't get that name out of my head when I think down the road (very far) about names for hypothetical baby girls.

16. My fiance almost peed himself the first time I accidently passed gas in his presence. I was mortified!

17. I've stabbed myself with the protective needle cap on my Quick-Sets more times than I'd like to admit. One of these days, that blue cap is going to plunge through my skin out of spite.

18. I once tried to lance my finger with a clicky-type pen - THINKING that it was a Lancet...!!! And suprisingly enough, I wasn't low or high... so there was really no excuse for my stupidity...

19. When I was little, everytime I "ran away from home" I'd pack a backpack with gum and a hairbrush - nothing else. I'd walk to the end of my driveway - pout for a while, and then trek back up my driveway. Weird, huh?

20. I'm a Maxine fanatic (A Hallmark card character - she's the crabby old lady with blue/white hair...!)

21. Everyone that knows me comments on how quiet I am. My theory? I'm not quiet, everyone around me just talks a lot. :)

22. On my 17th birthday, none of my friends remembered or acknowledge my birthday, which resulted in an evening of tears.

23. On my 18th birthday, my college friends decorated my door and made a big to-do out of my bday, which resulted in one of my best bdays ever.

24. On my 20th bday, my friends hired a stripper. Sounds like a cool idea, I know, but the stripped turned out to be about 45 years old... Needless to say, they got a refund....!

25. Last night, on the eve of my 25th bday, I felt so incredibly thankful for having 25 years of life - I've been so blessed, and I can't wait to see what the future has in store for me.

Grumpy much? or A Post where I analyze the word "control"

2006-10-12T14:49:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what my deal is lately, but I've had quite a few "grumpy" moments with my students lately.

On the whole, my students are good kids and I usually get along pretty well with everyone. A few, though, have really been getting under my skin lately.

Ironically, the whole problem comes down to control.

I'm seeing an uncanny connection here....

One student yesterday decided he wanted to sit on top of his desk rather than in his chair, and upon being asked to sit down he replied "I am sitting down" with a tone that implied that I was, quite possibly, the dumbest creature on the face of the earth.

Mr. smart ass was politely asked to step into the hallway where I proceeded to turn green and grow a wart on my noise - alas, I embraced my inner witch.

Looking back, I felt somewhat witch-y for reaming him out for not sitting in his chair. On a normal day, his response probably would have received an equally sarcastic reply from me, but not on this day. He was messing around with my control of my classroom, and I wasn't in the mood.

I think of the other things in my life that I try so desparately to control; the most obvious and, consequently, the least successful, being my blood sugar. I also have been making futile attempts to control my eating habits so that I can lose some weight. I strive to control my emotions so that I am neither too weepy when I am down or too hyper when I am happy. I'm not manic, but I really try to remain on an even keel regardless of my mood. On a lighter note, I've completely given up reign of the remote to the man when I'm at his apartment. It's just not worth it.

But out of all these things I try to control, whether it be my blood sugar or my classroom, one common thread remains - sometimes I just have to relinquish that control for my own sanity. I can't control everything and some days I can't control anything! So be it. Unfortunately, not having control makes me downright grumpy... my students would probably suggest some more colorful adjectives, but I'll spare you. I don't like being grumpy at all, but unfortunately that side rears it's ugly head when my control is in limbo.

Maybe my real problem is my use of the word "control"?? I'm also familiar with the term "management," but I don't see myself as much of a "manager" so it just doesn't seem to cut it for me. Of course, I don't see myself as much of a "controller" either.... it's a conundrum, I suppose.

At any rate, I'm going to try to be less grumpy and less obsessed with control.

Famous last words, right?

Another reason why the general public needs a crash course in Diabetes...

2006-10-09T19:21:00.000-04:00

During my beloved cafeteria duty today, a fellow teacher came up to me and proudly shared that she had just reprimanded a diabetic student who had regular iced tea, chocolate milk, and a cookie on his tray.

"I told him, "You shouldn't be eating those things _______; you shouldn't be eating all of those sugary things!"" she said

He replied, "But Mrs. _______, I have an insulin pump, I can cover the carbs for these things."

She said, "That's not the purpose of your pump ________; it's not a license for you to eat junk!"

After she shared this much, I started to interject:

"Woah, woah, woah, please tell me you didn't say those things to him." I said

"You bet I did - he has to be all over the place eating crap like that!" she replied.

"Even if he is, it's his body, his disease, and, I have to say, it's not your business what he eats." She just stared at me so I continued talking

"With the insulin pump, he CAN eat what he wants as long as he covers his carbs. He's a teenager, and he probably wants to eat like everyone else his age does. He's a three sport athlete, and he has two very loving parents - I don't think he's at a loss for support or guidance."

She paused and then replied, "Well, I just don't think it's right - that can't be good for him."

And at this point I *mentally* proceed to bang my head into the wall, realizing my efforts were futile.

Even though I'm sure the student is used to comments like these, he shouldn't have to be.

None of us should.

I'm my own worst enemy

2006-10-09T09:43:00.000-04:00

From yesterday afternoon to the present time, my blood sugars have been nothing less than horrible. And it’s all my fault.

I can’t blame this one on the pump.
Or my faulty pancreas.
Or stress.
Or the alignment of the planets.

Nope.

This has ME written all over it.

So, I guess I associate Sundays with “stuff-your-face-until-you-could-pop,” because I can’t seem to control what I put in my mouth from Sunday afternoon until I go to bed. Perhaps it’s the anxiety I feel about the upcoming week of teaching? This is my 4^th year of teaching, though, so you’d think I’d be over that hump by now.

Yesterday morning the man and I went to brunch at IHOP and I thought I chose wisely by ordering an omelet consisting of eggbeaters, mushrooms, onions, green peppers, tomatoes, and a small amount of cheese on the side. I also had an order of wheat toast – it’s a morning staple for me. However, two hours after eating, I was soaring in the upper 200’s, proving that while my order was relatively healthy, it still sat in my stomach for quite a while and played chicken with the insulin that I sent in at mealtime. I corrected the blood sugar, tinkered around the man’s apartment for a while, and then we went on a walk for an hour. After the walk I am famished – I’m ready to eat anything not nailed down. I ring in at 140 and begin preparing dinner. The man has ordered what is, in my opinion, the best meal in the world (when you’re PMSing and starving) : toasted cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. As Rachel Ray says, “YUMMO!” It was delightful, but I did a shoddy job of counting carbs and rang in at 314 around 8:15.

Now the normal person (IE: not me!) would have given a correction bolus, drank water, and retested in an hour or so. What do I do??? I bolus for a snack – since I evidently didn’t get my fill of fat/junk at dinner, and raise my basal so that I don’t fly into the outskirts of “Oh Sh*t That’s High” later on.

I go to bed without testing because (in my ultimate wisdom) I figure I don’t really want to see the effect my snack had on me. I toss and turn for a good hour before I finally get up and test my blood sugar.

60. Piss! I (over)treat and go back to bed.

I wake up at 5:30 and, of course, I’m high: 341.

I give a correction, shower, and then change my pump site.

Before I leave for work, I’m 275, so I tell myself I’ll hold off on breakfast because I’ll certainly be down a bit more by the time I’m at work and have started preparing for the day.

Once at work: 250. Whoopdedoo… I eat anyway – so much for waiting, right?? At this point, I really don’t care. I realize I’m to blame for the crappy numbers; I realize that it’s my own fault that I feel like a certifiable piece of poop right now.

I can’t blame anyone but myself, but hopefully I can learn from this.

Or even better, maybe this entry made YOU, dear reader, feel better about your blood sugars for a moment or two……

See – everybody wins

The Appointment

2006-09-21T15:00:00.000-04:00

Well, gang, it could have been worse.

He didn't berate me or criticize my A1C. He didn't tell me I was testing too often. He gave me a few suggestions on how I might improve my evening blood sugars, and reviewed my logs. I believe I actually had his full attention the entire time - no interruptions!

He did grab his belly and chuckle when I complained that my weight was up and that I seem to be grazing every evening. We talked a bit about the effect that stress may be having on my eating habits. As I've said in earlier posts, I see a direct correlation! He said that since I seem to have no problems eating well-porportioned breakfast and lunch, my problem with dinner may be that it's the end of my "work day" so to speak, and my stress level is finally waning. However, the built up tension* I've garnered throughout the day is trying to escape, so it's signalling my body to comfort it. Comfort seems to come in the form of food, and only in that form. Therin lies the problem. We talked about meditation and other calming exercises that I could try after dinner to * hopefully* weaken my impulse to graze all evening on anything not nailed down. Part of my problem is that I bring work home every evening. I'm an English teacher - it'd almost feel wrong if I didn't have a stack of essays to grade or a novel to re-read every night. However, I do not want to become the proverbial teacher who teaches class from her desk because she's too large to stand all day!!! Yes, I'm exaggerating, I know, but better to nix this problem early on than to have it following me around (grr - especially in the area of my butt and thighs) the rest of my life.

I appreciate the supportive comments! I also called the office of the endo I hope to be seeing in the future, and they finally received my medical info from Dr. C's office. However, I probably won't be able to be seen until December or January. Oiy. Lucky for me, Dr. C offered to continue seeing me until the new endo could fit me in. Is it just me, or is it terribly ironic that NOW he decides to be helpful?

*I shared this convo with my fiance last night, who replied with "Hon, what do you have to be stressed about?" - which I thought he was implying that as a teacher, why should I be stressed about anything? I was on that one like white on rice, folks; the poor guy didn't stand a chance. I replied, "Well, probably nothing; I probably have nothing I should ever be stressed out about" in a tone that dripped with sarcasm. He backpeddled a bit and we finally reconciled that I do have things to stress about, but he is more the "why worry about it" type, while I am the "oh shit, my worldisfallingapartI'msobusyThisisnevergoingtoend" type. Yes, we're quite a pair.

If you're still reading, I thank you. I'll try to give you the cliff notes version of my rants next time around :)

A pre-appointment rant

2006-09-20T14:26:00.000-04:00

I usually rant about my endo appts AFTER I have them. I thought I'd rant beforehand this time. I already have a feeling that it's going to be a same old crap with my endo.

I'll arrive.
I'll wait in the waiting area for a few minutes.
My name will be called and I'll go back the little hallway to step on my enemy - the ruiner of most appointments - the scale.
The nurse will take me to my room, and I'll wait there for about 30 minutes.

Dr. C FINALLY arrives and spends the first five minutes mumbling to himself as he looks over my charts.

"Laura? (Yes - it should be on my chart). "Okay.... so... last time your A1C was 7.4... this time it is ______ "(I didn't call to find out yet - I figured bad news can wait)... "Hmm... my pump patients usually get their's to below 6.5" (in a disappointed tone - as if I don't feel bad enough about my A1C...)

"You're using a pump, correct?" (Nope, I'm just wearing it because I love to accessorize.)

"You're still using Humalog?" (You filled out the script - you tell me!)

Then he'll look at my Excel spreadsheets...

"My, my; someone likes Excel!" (I do, thank you; in fact, you'd better appreciate those charts. I spent 4 hours last night playing "catch up" on my logging)

He'll pause - look through the charts and - without a doubt - zero in on my WORST DAY - one with lows of 50 and/or highs above 300

"Wow, what a mess this day was. Were you being bad???" (He gives me the "hairy eyeball" and then laughs and grabs his pot-bellyish stomach) "I can't really criticize though, can I - ha ha ha ho ho ho" (he amuses himself while I stare at him with a blank expression)

The appointment continues in such a manner. His nurse assistant interrupts approximately 3.5 times throughout my entire appointment. He writes in my file a list of things I should work on, but never gives ME the list, and then mumbles a few words about basal testing and the "graham cracker test" as he backs out the door and disappears down the hall. His nurse hands me an appointment card for my next appointment, and I leave.

I leave the appointment without much hope that things will get better...
... without a sense of what exactly I'm doing wrong...
... or how I can get my morning blood sugars nearer to my goal..
... or why I can't seem to lose weight...
... or why I'm hungry every evening...
... or how I could better use the features of my pump

I leave the appointment and wonder why I wasted his time and my time.

I'd be better off on my own.

Despite knowing full well how this appointment will go, I'll go in with a tinge of optimism that maybe - just maybe - it will be different this time. Maybe he'll have constructive advice; perhaps even a helpful suggestion on how I should change my basal rates, or correction factors, or carb/insulin ratios.

I'll go because no other doctor in a 50 mile radius seems to be accepting new patients.

I'll go because he signs for my prescriptions.

I'll go, but I know how it's all going to play out.

Happiness agrees with me

2006-09-15T11:41:00.000-04:00

After having periods of stress wreak havoc on my blood sugar, it became obvious that stress=crazy/high blood sugars. Now that things have calmed down, it's nice to reflect on how good my blood sugars can be when I'm not stressed.

Alas: Happiness agrees with me.
-- My blood sugars are more predictable. If my post meal bs is 150, it does not skyrocket to 250+ for no reason, nor does it plummet to the depths of 50 and below, seemingly just to piss me off.

-- If I do go high after a meal, I can correct it and it comes down beautifully. It doesn't stay high and cause WTF moments for the rest of the day.

-- I use less insulin - my TDD goes down on happy days. I have proof. And additional insulin.

-- I swear less. I try to avoid dropping bombs on here, but in the "real world," especially during stress, I find the F word ( as well as the S word, the D word and a few others that I"ll not mention) sprinkled in various conversations both in and outside of my head. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

-- I don't feel like eating everything not nailed down. I've also put away my duct tape.

-- I can think clearly - no foggy brain from high blood sugars or stress induced headaches.

-- I find myself smiling, for no reason whatsoever. May sound weird - but this is the normal side of me. I haven't found myself smiling for no reason in a looooooong time.

-- I can deal with copious amounts of work. I make lists. I make piles. I sit and grade papers for more than 2 minutes without nervously getting up to do something else (like getting up to find food or something to munch on.)

So, dear reader, may your highs today be emotional highs. It does a body good.

It's just cruel

2006-09-07T10:05:00.000-04:00

This morning's numbers:

5:30 AM BS 128, bolus .3 for shower

6:30 BS 150 - bolus for breakfast with correction. Eat 32 (carefully measured) carbs

8:00 - 2 cups of hot tea with 2 packets of Splenda

9:30 BS 271!!!

You've GOT to be KIDDING me...

I finally have a good waking blood sugar... then I get smacked with a WTF post parandial....

The possible causes?
- upcoming period (sorry male readers...)
- caffiene from tea???
- stress? (it's actually been a pretty relaxed morning...)
- beginning signs of a cold?? (my dad has been pretty sick lately)

I don't know.

I wanna just say F*** it!!!

I wanna eat that bag of chips handed out by the PTA to all teachers.

I wanna skip exercise tonight and instead sit on my couch with a cold beer and a jar of peanuts.

But I know I shouldn't. So I wrote everything down - took explicit notes - in hopes that in the near future I'll be seeing a new endo who will actually look at my numbers, will actually offer constructive advice, and won't grab his large belly and laugh about how he, too, can't seem to leave food alone. But that's another story.

I'm high. I'm pissed. And now that the bell rang, I have to teach a lesson on one of the most poigniant poems I've ever read. Here is it:

"The Journey "

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Located at: http://www.panhala.net/Archive/The_Journey.html

AM Highs

2006-09-06T07:59:00.000-04:00

Oh, how I hate waking up high... Past three mornings?

331
278
300

The reason?

331 - binging before bed + stress
278 - grazing all evening + stress
300 - ate a well balanced dinner, but got an upset stomach around 9PM, ate a few crackers and bolusing (what I thought was) appropriately. Upset stomach was probably due to stress from day before....

There's a direct and obvious correlation between how much I eat and how stressed I am. The more stress, the more I eat. The more relaxed/peaceful/calm, the less I eat. Food has become my drug of choice, I guess. However, it not only wreaks havoc on my weight, but it also is hazardous to my blood sugars. You'd think those reprecussions would be enough to prompt me to not eat, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to hinder me in the least.

So, it seems that until I get a handle on the stress in my life, my weight and my blood sugar will continue to suffer.

Joy.

Why I hate the phrase "The truth will set you free"

2006-08-27T09:30:00.002-04:00

I’m finding a lot of fault with the phrase “The truth will set you free” after attending the Diabetes EXPO in Pittsburgh yesterday. I stepped on the scales at a BMI station, and the truth didn’t “set me free,” it made me want to throw up all over the med students nice bright, white lab coat. He smiled politely, read my weight (as if I couldn’t see what was starring me in the face), and then recorded it on my note card. Free??? Hardly. I feel more trapped than ever.

I’ve never been one to hop on the scales everyday. Actually, since I’m on a “truth” kick here, I avoid the scale at all costs. I rationalized that I would be able to tell whether I gained or lost weight by how my clothes fit. However, I think I’ve gotten used to how my clothes fit (definitely tighter lately than usual) and spent most of the summer in mesh shorts with comfortable waist bands. I realize the error of my ways here; if I had stepped on the scale recently, I would have seen that my weight was slowly creeping up. I should have known.

So after being terribly disappointed yesterday, I’m trying to figure out where to make changes. I’ve attempted to make changes in the past, and obviously they didn’t do the trick – I just resorted to my old ways. I need to make changes that I can live with. I don’t want to deprive myself – I love eating too much! – and I don’t want to spend 4 hours a day in a gym, so I’m hoping to find a happy medium. My fiancé suggested seeing the trainer at the gym I go to so that he can write up a workout plan for me. He thinks I’ve gotten so used to my workout (60 mins of cardio) that it’s not really helping me much. I agree with him completely (he wanted to get that in writing) and I think I’ve gotten as complacent with my workouts as I have with my diabetes care. I definitely need to shake things up and make some improvements.

I’ll post more about the Diabetes side of the EXPO later on. Right now, the weight issue was heavier (pardon the pun) on my mind.

An entry in which I yak about what I haven't done since my last entry....

2006-08-24T09:49:00.000-04:00

The summer is quickly coming to an end, and soon I’ll be trading in my flip flops and shorts for heels, dress pants, and uncomfortable knee highs and pantyhose. School is starting next Tuesday, and I’ll begin my 4^th year of teaching! I’m going to miss the schedule/bell free days of summer, but I am anxious to meet my new students and to begin another year. There’s something exciting about new school supplies and the crisp fall mornings that make me feel so blessed to be a teacher. Each year I have the chance to improve on what I did the year before and I get to try new methods to reach the students and to make learning fun for them and for me.

In a way, I wish I felt the same excitement when I get diabetes supplies. However, it often feels like more of the same old b.s. I keep telling myself that each day I get to start fresh: I get to try to count my carbs more accurately, to keep better logs, to drink more water, but most days go by with only the bare minimum of checking, counting carbs, and occasionally recording things in my log. I can’t blame my unchanging A1C’s on the insane endo (he’s a whole series of posts for a later time); when it comes down to it, it’s my disease, it’s my body, it’s my problem.

I find the same vicious cycle with my weight. I may lose 3-4 pounds once in a while, but I eventually gain it back. I think I lack stick-with-it-ness; persistence, if you will.

I thought that getting the pump would make me feel more encouraged to make positive changes and to keep better logs, but it really hasn’t changed much in that respect. On the up side, I’m using less insulin, and I ‘m free to exercise whenever I want with the temporary basal option, but other than that, I haven’t really made the improvements that I thought I would after having the pump for three months.

What really frustrates me is that I know I’m the one responsible for my control. I’ve had a very complacent attitude towards diabetes and my weight lately, and I don’t entirely understand why. Perhaps my first 3 years as a super disciplined diabetic wore me out? I stuck to a very, very rigid diet and as a result my blood sugar rarely went above 200 and my weight stayed about 10 pounds above my pre-diabetes level. Of course, I could have been experiencing the honeymoon period those first couple years, making the diabetic life seem easier than it really is.

Regardless, I’m tired of setting goals for myself that I’m not working towards and that I’m not reaching. I’m tired of having A1C’s in the mid 7’s. I’m tired of not doing what I need to do to lose weight. Sometimes I have an almost out of body experience where I’m grazing all evening and thinking to myself “Holy Sh*t, how can I lose weight when I’m eating all night???” or when I’m waking up in the morning to blood sugars in the 200’s and not taking aggressive action the next night (or cutting back on the late night noshing) to prevent another morning high. Perhaps what frustrates me the most is that I know what I SHOULD be doing to improve my control but I lack the stick-with-it-ness to do it long enough to see changes and to feel encouraged to continue.

As I read over this, I realize that this sounds like one big pity party and, dear reader, I’m inwardly cringing. However, part of my difficulty may be the fact that I haven’t received sufficient care from a DNE or a CDE in regards to my diabetes care since my diagnosis 4.5 years ago. Even though I’m the one with diabetes, I can only do so much for myself. I need the objectivity and, dare I say it, wisdom of a GOOD endocrinologist to really push me in the right direction.

I’ve had my current endo send my medical records to the new endo I’ve heard such great things ago. I’m just praying that he accepts me and that the waiting list isn’t as long as I’ve heard it might be (7 months to a year!). I ‘m certain I’ll be at the end of my proverbial rope by that time if I continue to see my current endo, who yelled at me two months ago for testing too much. I test at max 10 times a day, and he balked at using so many “expensive” test strips in one day… HELLO!!! They’re covered my INSURANCE moron!!! And I’m DIABETIC – we’re SUPPOSED to test OFTEN!!! Apparently he didn’t get the memo. He must have skipped that day in his Diabetes 101 course. However, he quickly applauded me on my wonderful control (which, let me tell you, it’s FAR FROM!) once I made high-tech looking charts for my blood sugars and put it in a binder with those page protectors. I was embracing my inner nerd while meeting my endo’s annoying need for “neat” records with tons of detail. All of this is well and good, but he spent more time looking at the aesthetic qualities of my charts than he did looking at my actual numbers. Apparently, numerous blood sugars in the 200’s don’t look too shabby when charted semi-professionally in Excel. Good to know… right??

Okay, I’ve complained and whined long enough for one post. More soon… and I promise, this time I won’t wait almost two months before posting again. ;)

Duct Tape Considered

2006-07-17T09:41:00.000-04:00

Thank you for all of the advice concerning my issues with my fiance and my family. It's nice to get an objective opinion on the issue. I'm working on becoming more objective - working being the operative word here...

About the Duct Tape (or Duck Tape, if you prefer.... )

For about a week now, I have been really overeating. Sure, it's the week before my period (sorry to the dudes reading this right now... ) , but come on!!! It's been ridiculous! Are my hormones REALLY that out of whack that I must devour handful after handful of peanuts? And at meals - I eat until I am satisfied, and then I proceed to stuff myself until I'm about miserable... and then two hours later, I'm looking for something to snack on. Ugh... I've been working out like a fiend to try to counteract this, some days getting over two hours of exercise, but to no avail... Perhaps the extra exercise is making me even hungrier the next day, thereby thwarting any efforts I may have made to work off the calories I carelessly consumed th eprior day.... See what I mean? Thus, I am considering duct taping my mouth to avoid eating everything not nailed down until this eat-a-thon feeling passes.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who has times like this... because if I'm really the only one, I'm definitely going to be grabbing the duct tape.

A potpourri of Thoughts

2006-07-13T07:54:00.000-04:00

Warning: This is going to be a very disjointed post. I'll try for some continuity of thought, but I can't promise anything.

I'm going to blame it on the hot VA weather, or, perhaps, the summer vacation mode my brain has been in since the last day of school...

1. PUMPING - I'm still loving my pump, especially around exercise times when I can disconnect and then set a temporary basal rate afterwards or before or both, if I need to. Granted, I still have times where I run low after working out, but usually that's my own fault for taking too much insulin at a previous meal and not factoring in that I would be exercising and wouldn't need as much insulin on board.

I got burned by this last night at the gym, grrr, but still managed to get a good workout in after guzzling some Vitamin Water (which I had never tried before, but really enjoyed!) and taking a rest in the locker room. Of course, this gym was filled with workout-aholics who could be cover models for "Under Armour" or some other spandexy company. I want to pelt glucose tablets at these people, but I doubt they'd feel a thing... it'd probably just "Ping" off of them. I guess I shouldn't knock gym rats: I workout daily but all it seems to do for me is to help me to maintain my weight - haven't lost more than a few socks and hair bands the whole time I've been going to the gym (4+ years).

2. AM I TOO NICE? - LOTS of drama lately between my family and my fiance. They think he's stubborn and insensitive to my feelings, and he thinks they are too protective of me and that they are trying to run my life, even though I'm 24 years old and engaged.... Me? I just want everyone to get along and to like each other. I think I'm asking too much. It's like both groups want me to be on their side on every issue, and I'm too diplomatic to make waves, so I tend to just sit and listen when my parents are questioning my fiance's treatment of me or when my fiance berates my parents for being overprotective and still treating me like their "little girl". I feel like I'm involved in a big tug of war, and it's causing a lot of problems in my relationship with my fiance. I realize that I need to stand up for him to my family, but I think I'm struggling to see myself as anything but their little girl. Yes, I'm engaged and I can't wait to get married and begin my life with my fiance, but I'm still clinging onto being a daughter. I know I'll always be their daughter, but that role is going to change a lot once I'm a wife and then a mother (down the road, folks, god willing...!) Any words of wisdom from others who've been down this road??? Just so this one isn't entirely void of diabetes related issues, this constant stress wreaks havoc on my blood sugar for two primary reasons - (1) my nerves are frazzled, so I run high no matter what and (2) I want to eat everything in site and do a lot of SWAG bolusing, but I rarely get it right and end up high and feeling bloated - just downright miserable!

3. BASAL TESTING - this is almost becoming a bad word for me. I keep telling myself that tomorrow I'll test my morning basals, tomorrow I'll skip lunch, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow... until tomorrow turns into never!!! Ugh!!!! I NEED to buckle down and do these tests! What is my deal????

4. HOT WEATHER AND THE PUMP - The other day it was about 100 degrees in my car, and it takes a little while before the A/C kicks in a cools things down. Am I harming my insulin by not having my pump and tubing in a Frio pouch in situations like that? Also, the other night I went to the golf course to walk along as my fiance hit 9 holes, and it was in the mid 80's the whole time. Of course, I didn't put my pump in the Frio thingee because I didn't think it was that hot, but by the time I was done, there were bubbles in my reservoir.... looked a little questionable.... Did I do some damage there? Pumpers, how do you handle the summer temps???

5. BLOGGING - Once I start a blog entry, I remember why I like it so much.... I should just start a new entry each day, regardless if I have anything to write about, because I can usually crank out enough in ramblings to make a decent size post... not that you enjoy my ramblings.... but anyway...

6. PEANUTS - My newfound enemy. I can't seem to get past lunchtime without devouring a bowl of peanuts. Right now honey roasted are my worst enemy - they're devilishly sweet AND salty; pretty much a little piece of heaven in a can. Of course, eating copious amounts of peanuts negates all the calories I burn at the gym each day. Grr... DAMN YOU PLANTERS!!!

Speaking of which, time to head to the gym to try (desperately) to burn off all the peanuts I ate yesterday.... what a viscous cycle...

The problems with assuming

2006-06-27T10:05:00.000-04:00

I don't think it's a coincidence that assuming begins with a-s-s. Especially when I end up low after working out.

I started the morning at an ok 147. I took the suggested bolus (thanks to my Bolus Wizard) and didn't set a temp basal prior to my workout because I tend to be insulin resistant in the morning and tend to spike after breakfast regardless of what I eat.

So I didn't check before working out. I figured since I was working out an hour after breakfast, I should be okay.

(Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!)

About 30 minutes into my workout I'm feeling "funny" but I plod on another 15 minutes because, in my head, doing 45 minutes is WAY better than 30 minutes of exercise. Obviously when I'm running low, what little common sense I have rapidly vanishes.

So, after 45 minutes of exercise I came back to my fiance's apartment and checked

51

(Idiot!)

So, what have I learned (again) from this experience? Always check. Even if I think I know what my blood sugar is, better safe than being cold and sweaty midway through a workout.

In case you didn't catch it, I feel like a pretty big idiot.

Ugh!

The Highs and Lows of Pumping... a newbie's perspective

2006-06-16T22:41:00.000-04:00

Wow - long time, no posts.... If anyone has actually been checking my blog, I apologize! I've definitely had the time (school ended on the 7th) and the material (pumper hysteria) but not the ambition. I guess once I become less busy I also become less driven to do much of anything. So, I've basically been a waste of space the past week and a half!!

I've been on the pump almost three weeks now, and I have already reaped some benefits and shed tears (but no pounds) over my shortcomings as a pumper. I figured I'd list the highs and lows, since I (randomly) named my blog the HiLo Log... :)

The Highs:
1. Bolus Wizard - further proof that techie's out there do understand the struggles of the mathematically challenged. I heart whoever invented the Bolus Wizard. It has seriously proven to me that I suck at calculating my insulin needs using carb/insulin ratios. I really foul up anytime I try to guess the amt. on my own.
2. Temp Basal - so far I've used in pre, during, and post workouts so that I don't have to eat to compensate for the insulin in my system. I often disconnect, too, which is also sweet. The temp basal also comes in handy during a low; I definitely have eaten less to dig myself out of a low because I know I can back off the basal for a while until I feel "normal" again. It seems to work for me, as far as I can tell!
3. Less Sticking - The first few days it felt so wrong not to give myself shots 4+ times a day, but after a week, I hardly remembered that I used to give that many shots a day. I think I have selective memories because I also quickly forgot what it was like not to be diabetic after I became diabetic.... further proof I'm pretty freaking weird.
4. Correction Factors and IOB - Along with being horrible at calculating how much insulin I'll need to cover food, I'm also poor at calculating correction factors and Insulin on Board. Luckily, my darling pump does these calculations for me and, once again, saves my sorry ass from being mathematically deficient.

The Lows:
1. Gaining a Tail: yes, my rear end is getting larger, but the tail I'm referring to here in the pump. Every damn time i go to the bathroom at night, it seems to become detached from me (somehow?) and knocks me in the knees a couple times before I wise up and attach it again.
The best place I've found to attach it at night is between my boobs on my sports bra, but I do worry about the insulin getting too warm being so close to my body. Any suggestions/feedback on this?
2. Highs due to???? Could it be that I didn't count my carbs right? Is my insulin bad? Is my site bad? Is my pump working? Is my tubing okay? Did I reconnect after my shower? Was the hub turned so that the arrow and the | lined up? (true story - totally missed a lunch bolus due to the hub being not on the mark. We ate at IHOP so I was REALLY regretting those delicious home fries as I stayed cemented in the 350's for 4 hours that afternoon). I've become super paranoid (if that's at all possible for me) about whether or not I'm getting insulin. Every high I get freaks me out. I guess this is something that I'll get more comfortable with over time, but every high over 250 makes me feel like I'm destined for DKA any moment. I know, I need to stop hitting the pessimism button everytime something bad happens with my diabetes....
3. Easy bolus. Tonight is a perfect example of why it's bad to have an easy bolus button. One more fudgesicle? Don't mind if I do! Beep beep beep beep..... (five minutes later) Two more Dove chocolates (but isn't chocolate *good* for you)?? Sure thing! beep beep beep..... (two hours after dinner) celery with peanut butter?? I thought you'd never ask.... You get the picture. I've been on an eating frenzy tonight. I don't know what my problem is, but I'm almost ready to duct tape my mouth so that I can stop the conveyor belt of food I seem to be shoveling in at random tonight. Ugh...
4. Dressing. Some clothes just aren't pump friendly. I read Kerri's (aka MacGyver Morrone) tale with the black dress and I could definitely sympathize. I think she's a freaking genius for rigging a contraption on the fly like that. I may consult her around my wedding time next year when I'll need an expert - and a roll or two of duct tape - to help me place my pump in a convenient location underneath 40+ pounds cloth. Seriously, though, even today wearing shorts I felt like it was protruding about 5 feet from my side. I guess some days I'm more aware of it than others, though, because some days I forget it's there. Today must have been a clumbsy day because I seemed to bang it into everything.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback with the bubbles in the tubing episode. I think leaving my insulin (the currently being used bottle) at room temp will help with this, as will the experience I'll gain through more and more set changes. I've only done 3 at most in one day so far so hopefully that's my limit, but I definitely won't hold my breath on that one. When I panic, I panic big time, so it's hard to say how many sets i'll rip out in a full blown frenzy!

At any rate, if anybody wants to consider this meme worthy, please post a list of your highs and lows of pumping (or not pumping) in your blog (and let me know about it!). Sharing is loving, so love me lots, okay? :)

I've gotta play along..... My Panagram

2006-06-06T07:42:00.000-04:00

I had to sneak in a pic of my most favorite Hallmark character, Maxine, who adorns my mousepad, coffee mug, calendar, and, unfortunately, my attitude some days. :)

My handwriting may be hard to read in the pic, but rest assured, even if it was a good pic, my writing would be quite sloppy. By this time in the school year, I've given up on neat and settled for legible. I wish my students would do the same!!! After grading about 150 final exams (with hand written essay responses), I was ready to begin teaching handwriting for an entire marking period next year, just for the sake of my sanity! Oh well.... (cue one of the best songs in the world...) "School's Out for the Summer..." That's right! Tomorrow is the last day of school!!! Yipeee!!!!!! (cue breakdancing in middle of classroom.... of course, after the students leave.... ;) )

What WILL they think of next?

2006-06-02T10:42:00.000-04:00

I've seen the websites for the pump pouches, coming in various shapes, sizes, colors, etc.

I've surfed the net looking for garters so that I can hook my pump around my thigh when I wear dresses.

I've ordered a FRIO pack to keep my pump cool this summer when I'm (as my students say) "chilling" by the pool with my "peeps" (actually, the only peep is going to be my fiance, and he doesn't count. )

However, today I stumbled onto something that really rocked my world.

GROOVY PATCHES....

Did I miss the proverbial boat on this one??? I've never heard of these round wonders before!!!!

Here's my speal:
Ever get tired on looking at the white tape infusion set? Do you find yourself desiring a more stylish look for your pumping portal? Well... you're in luck!

With a tagline of "Stick it to me baby," the Groovy Patches company offers such a variety of patches that you're sure to find one that twirls your toes.

Checkout the site (checkout the website too, while you're at it - har har ;)

Hopefully this rocks your world too :)

Happy Friday.

First Site Change

2006-06-01T08:18:00.000-04:00

Well, I did my first site change this morning - very nerve racking - and I was 300 one hour after breakfast.... grr....

I looked at my tubing and I had a 1 inch air bubble near my pump, so maybe that caused the high??? Maybe there were too many bubbles in my resevoir??

Ugh....

I took a correction bolus via a syringe, so here's hoping that it works.....

Any suggestions on how to make site changes smoothly??? I'm TOTALLY stressing right now!

HELP!

Do they know??? and a Pumping update

2006-05-30T09:02:00.000-04:00

Sunday, while in church, my bs went low, so I quietly chewed 3 glucose tabs and *tried* to wait patiently for the shaking feeling to go away.

It didn't.

I felt worse.

Out of glucose tabs (of course), I tapped my dad, seated at the end of the pew, and quietly asked him if he could go to the secretary's desk and get me a few pieces of candy. He returned in a few minutes (it seemed like it took forever!!!) with a pocketful of candy and hurridly handed me as many as I could hold. If I hadn't felt so shitty I would have laughed, but I was on the verge of being scared by the low, so I just quickly began shoving lifesavers in my mouth.

About 24 carbs later, I finally started to feel a little better. The service ended and I headed outside with my family. My brother drove my car home ( luckily we rode together) and asked me repeatedly "You're sure you're okay??" with a worried look on his face. I caught him sneaking peeks at me out of the corner of his eye the whole way home while I tried to make small talk and act like nothing had happened, just another low, nothing big, but it wasn't just another low, it was a scary-oh-shit-now-I've-done-it low. Perhaps it was a good wake up call not only to me, but also to my family. For me, it reminded me why it's so important to keep a LARGE stash of glucose with me at ALL times!!! For my family, well, I can't speak for them, but I think it reminded them that I'm diabetic. I think they forget sometimes because I keep a lot of my management to myself and, also, I"m not around much between school and spending time wtih my fiance!! I explained to them that I was fine, but that sometimes it takes longer to feel fine after a low than other times. Hard to express in words, though, what it felt like to have eaten 3 glucose tabs and to feel worse afterwards...! Ugh...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news....

I'M PUMPING!!!

Yesterday at 8:30 my pump trainer arrived at my house, and by 10:30 I was all set! My trainer has been diabetic for 33+ years and she also wears a MiniMed (512 or maybe a 522) so she could give me tips and tricks for dealing with different pump issues. When she left, I didn't feel as petrified as I thought I might. I actually felt excited and -hopefully not foolishly- confident. I know it's going to take a while to get the numbers tweaked and to learn how to make better changes according to my trends, but I'm defintiely cautiously optimistic. :) Actually, 2/3 of me is wholeheartedly optimistic, but it's the 1/3 of me that's pulling me down to being cautiously optimistic....

My numbers have been decent so far, but since I'm about 4 units less of basal than I'm used to, I may have some hairy numbers for a while until I get things tweaked. It feels really weird not to give shots!!! It almost seems too easy after giving shots for 4 years. However, I'm sure pretty soon it'll feel weird to give shots (when the need arises) after being on a pump too.

I'll try to post updates throughout the week as I adjust to being a PUMPER!!! And to think, this process only took 4 short months!!! (Note: sarcasm;) ) All I can say is "It's about damn time!!!"!!!!!

Meter Accuracy - the excitement never ends here at LaLa's Hi Lo Log...

2006-05-26T13:00:00.000-04:00

Yes, the most stimulating part of my day thus far has been my pre-meal test at lunch where I tested at 181 on my first test. Ok, 181 isn't out of character for me, but I tested at 9:30 and was 149, so I didn't see how I could have gone up in 2 hours without having eaten anything.

So I check again. Just in case.

145.

That's better! So, perhaps against my better judgement, I use the 145 as my pre-meal number and give my bolus accordingly. I ugess when I do a test pre-workout I'll see if the 40 points really made a difference, or if my meter's satanic side (the side that gives me ALL high readings) was shining through at lunch.

Either way, what can you do?? Test a third time?? Hm... *dolt* maybe should have tried that... but it's Friday, and on Friday's, I not only stop for a cup of coffee on the way to work, but I also trust faithfully in good readings from my meter. Because it's Friday. :)

It’s just who you are…

2006-05-24T08:46:00.000-04:00

My fiancé has commented numerous times that he doesn’t think of me as a diabetic – at times he even forgets that I am diabetic. This amazes me. Yes, he has only known me as a diabetic, but evidently he doesn’t see it as being an all consuming part of my life. I’m flattered but also a little curious about this.

Do I hide my diabetes from people? Do I downplay it at all costs to avoid drawing attention to myself? Am I ashamed that I am diabetic? I don’t know.

My friends in college made similar comments. They often said that if they didn’t see me take shots every once in a while they would forget that I was diabetic. I never really hid in a corner while taking my shots, but I didn’t make a big production of it either.

I guess my overall question is this: Is it good or bad that those around me forget that I am diabetic? Would they also “forget” what to do if I had a severe insulin reaction? I sometimes wonder.

I think this probably puzzles me because I can’t think of myself apart from my diabetes. “It’s just who I am…” as my fiancé tells me. It’s so natural to me after four + years that I can’t imagine not being a diabetic. So maybe that’s why others forget, because I’m also forgetting. I’m letting go of the resentment I felt after being diagnosed. I resented not appreciating my health while I had it. I resented not appreciating being able to just sit down and eat a meal - without the series of steps required now – or to not eat a meal, and just nibble on things as I pleased. Now, I resent the empty promises and the magical phrase “in 10 years we should have a cure” that never reach fruition. Will they ever?? Not to be pessimistic, but won’t a lot of companies lose money if/when diabetes is cured? Is that why we’re being tethered to pumps and *maybe* someday implanted with an artificial pancreas?

I’m truly grateful that those around me forget that I’m diabetic. I want them to forget. I need them to forget. Some days it makes me feel “normal” again. Some days I forget too.

Tried out the Guardian RT

2006-05-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

I’ve wanted to post for about a week now, but, alas, a week has passed and I’m just now harnessing the ambition to post…!!

Dr. C finally gave me the green light for a pump – YAHOO!!! So the next day I called the MiniMed and set up a meeting.

I met with the MiniMed Sales rep last Thursday to get more info about the 522 Pump and to try out a Guardian RT. The sales rep has been in contact with me since February, when I first decided I wanted to pump. I appreciate his patience as my doctor has trailed me along for the past four months, being vague and obtuse about why I can’t get a pump NOW!!!

We met at a restaurant around lunchtime, and I was running late as usual. I arrive at 1:03 and find him waiting in the lobby. Note – this is the first time meeting him in person, so I’m looking around for a middle aged, balding guy with glasses…. Much to my surprise, I find a 30+ stallion with an incredible smile. I should have just signed up for a MiniMed right there – I didn’t stand a chance. In all seriousness, though, the (Antonio Bandares’s twin) rep was very informative and gave a great speal about the advantages and future advancements of MiniMed. He brought along a Guardian RT so that I could get an idea what the continue glucose monitoring would be like, a feature which is going to be available with the 522 Pump. After some explanations about how to insert the sensor using the fancy doohickey, I was in the bathroom, injecting myself with a sensor. Mind you, this was my first doohickey “injection” experience since I’m still a 4+ shot a day girl. Well, I figured it out and soon found myself attached to the Guardian RT. The only downside was that I had to wait two hours before it would start giving me any readings, but I found that the two hours went pretty quickly, and then I had readings out the wazoo!!!

I wore the Guardian for three days, and I feel I learned quite a lot in three days!!! I’ll try to be brief, since your interest is probably waning already:

1. I go QUITE FREAKING HIGH right after breakfast. I may start at 105, but I don’t chill there for long before I’m up in the nether regions of 250+. OUCH
2. I stay remarkably steady overnight and throughout exercise. Both good signs, I think.
3. The Guardian is not 100% accurate. I’d give it maybe a 75% accuracy. I liked that it gave me an idea of how I trended throughout the day, overall.
4. I do not need to eat extra carbs at lunch to sustain me throughout my 4PM exercise. If I eat extra carbs at lunch, I go – once again – QUITE FREAKING HIGH and only drop about 50 points throughout my exercise. I guess my body is used to the exercise I’ve been doing.
5. Stress makes my bs rise steadily. This I already assumed, but now I have some definitive proof. Shitty for me, though, because I seem to be stressed out all the time lately.

I hated to give the Guardian back. The sensor died after exactly three days and I was in Wal-Mart with my fiancé when it gave its final beep. I looked down at the monitor, saw the message for a new sensor, and looked at my fiancé with a crestfallen look. He laughed at me for a good minute while I tried to “suck it up” (he’s trademark response anytime I start to look teary eyed). In a small voice I explained, “But I miss it already!” to which he replied, “so buy the damn stuff so that you can get that with the pump!” He’s all heart, let me tell you. I need someone like that, though, because if left to my own devices, I’d turn teary eyed at pretty much everything. I thought it was part of my charm, but he’s slowly convincing me otherwise.

I called the MiniMed rep to give him the green light for the pump, so hopefully I’ll make some progress and finally join the ranks of the blogging pumpers in the near future.  I’ll keep you posted… you know… a week after it happens, when I finally get the ambition to write…!!!

You might be an addict....

2006-05-01T14:08:00.000-04:00

... if you have to bolus for sugar free gum.

Yep, that's right. I just bolused for GUM!!! This supposedly FREE food becomes UNFREE when you eat 5 PIECES in a matter of two hours. I need some serious freakin' help. This is ridiculous.

I seem to have a need to be chewing something right after I eat lunch; it's almost as if I have to feel like I'm still eating all afternoon. Holy buckets - no wonder I'm 10 pounds heavier than I want to be.

Geez... I really can't beleive I just bolused for gum... I should have just eaten something, at least that would feel more bolus worthy.... gum... *sigh* ....

Hello, my name is Laura, and I'm addicted to gum.

Where did the baby go?

2006-04-30T20:41:00.000-04:00

When I was little, I read the book Where'd the Baby Go at least 100 times. I've been an avid reader from the start. I devour books and reread them until the pages are practically falling out. Lately I haven't taken the time to read much other than what Literature selections I'm preparing for school, but tonight I starting to think about that book and about how different my life is now because of diabetes.

I guess in a way I'm still adjusting to being a diabetic. Somedays it smacks me in the forehead and I just want to wail about the shitty hand I've been dealt, and then other days I forget I ever had a day where I didn't check my blood sugar, give myself insulin, worry over what I ate, worry about when I'd get to exercise, etc. Today I was in the midst of a personal life drama *cue the tears and raised voices* with my fiance and I found myself wondering how non-diabetic Laura would have handled the situation. Would my emotions have been better controlled? Would I be this emotional? Would I feel so completely shattered at every single criticism? I don't know... because I don't remember what it was like NOT to be diabetic... and I've only been diabetic 4.5 years...

The book Where'd the baby go is about a little girl who looks at pictures of herself as a baby and doesn't understand that she was once that small. The young girl looks through albums and then looks around her house to find this "baby" that is in all the pictures she sees. In the end, she looks in the mirror and realizes that she was once that baby - she makes the connection. The last page of the book shows her sitting in front of a mirror, smiling at her reflection. Sometimes I feel like "Where'd Laura go?" because I look at pictures of myself from my teenage years and early college years, and I feel like the person I'm looking at is so .... foreign. I look at my smile, at my body, at my countenance, and I don't feel like I could ever be that person again. I feel like she's gone for good, some days. I catch glimpses of her from time to time, when life quiets down enough for me to remember and to truly believe that she's still here, that she never really went away. I'd like to think that I'm just maturing and becoming an adult, but most days it doesn't feel that way at all. I feel like a part of me is gone and that I'll never get it back, and it scares me.

I guess, in a way, I've never truly accepted that I'm diabetic. Sure, I deal with the reality of it every damn day, but deep inside, I think a part of me is still mourning for that girl I see in the pictures, and I wonder where I've gone and I wonder if I'll ever find my way back to "me."

Sorry for this downer of a post, but life is really kicking me in the ass today.

So there IS another diabetic within a 50 mile radius....

2006-04-28T12:50:00.000-04:00

A couple of days ago my fiance was completing an application for a manager position at a company in my town. He was asking about insurance coverage and prescriptions plans, explaining that his fiance (me :) ) was diabetic and that I might need to be on his insurance if we move and I can't find a full time teaching position right away. Well, the human resources lady introduced him to an employee who is Type 1 and who uses a pump!!! YAY!!!

The employee, Kelly, was very nice and informative, and she wants to meet up with me and go to MiniMed meetings with me! Double Yay!!! We've already emailed each other back and forth a few times, and we're planning to get together in the upcoming weeks at a Mini Med Pump Club meeting. She's around my age and she was diagnosed 13 years ago, so she definitely has more experience behind her belt than I do.

I think I've said this before, but ever since I was diagnosed, I've felt like I was the only diabetic within a 50 mile radius of my home town. There are a lot of Type 2's around, but I really didn't know of many Type 1's in my area. I'm very excited to meet Kelly and to talk to another diabetic face to face. It's not that I don't get a lot from the blogs and the message boards, I truly gain so much knowledge and encouragement from both, but I'm really, really looking forward to talking in person about the issues that I read and write about all the time.

Anyway, that's my "High" for the day :) Happy Friday!

At a snail's pace... And other random stuff

2006-04-25T13:04:00.000-04:00

Blog Updating
I'm SLOWLY revamping my blog.... haha I can't believe it took me this long to finally add a list of links to my blog. I was so envious of others who had that because it made it so easy to surf around the blogs. Mine may not be completely user friendly yet, but I'll work on that. I need to look into how I can show when a blog has been updated, too.

Random Stuff
I hate it when I feel like I might be low, then I check to see and find that I'm not low... soo confusing. Of course, I'm happy I"m not low right now, but having the sensation of a low when you're not low is just bizarre. I rechecked twice just to make sure. Definitely not low.

In pumping news, I'm scheduled to meet with the MiniMed and the Animas Reps during the next two weeks. Decision time is fast approaching!!! Yikes!!! I really like the prospect of the CGMS that comes with the Minimed being covered by insurance in the not too distant future, but I've also learned that Animas is joined with Johnson and Johnson (One Touch Ultra people), and I like my OTU meter, so I'm pretty torn!!! I've teetered between the two for the past three months, but I guess the decision will be easier to make (hopefully) once I've tried both meters on and played around with the options on each. I've polled for advice on this before, I think, but I'm going to ask again.... WHICH FREAKING PUMP?????!!!!! Throw a girl a bone! Toss me a line! HELP HELP HELP!!!! ;) Not that I'm desperate or anything...

Maybe this will help....

2006-04-24T13:51:00.000-04:00

For those of you that may be feeling frustrated today, I thought publishing my blood sugars for the past day or so may help...

Sunday, 11:30 PM BS - 233 Insulin - 1 unit carbs - 2g
Monday, 6:30 AM BS - 304 Insulin - 6 units carbs - 33g
9:45 AM BS - 267 Insulin - 3 units carbs - 0
11:45 AM BS - 194 Insulin - 4 units carbs - 33

Anyone else having one hell of a day??? Misery loves company, or so I've heard....!!!

Now I must resist the urge to be all "WTF!!!" and eat everything peanut buttery that I can get in contact with....

I must be good..
I must be good...
I must be good....

Grr...

A much needed update!

2006-04-24T13:50:00.000-04:00

I think I'm finally on track to get a pump! I've met with Dr. C twice this month, and he explained more clearly his reason for hesitating on approving the pump. My numbers are crazy - plain and simple - and he wanted to see if it was because I wasn't carb counting carefully or if my blood sugar was just that difficult to manage. Turns out I've been undercounting my carbs at numerous times during the day, which makes a BIG difference in my control! I bought a gram scale to replace the scale I had been using on rare occasions. The older scale I had to eyeball and guess, and as I've learned, I suck at guessing. *Sigh*It definitely takes a lot of discipline to have good control. My numbers are best on the days that I write down every morsel I put in my mouth and also write down its weight, the amount, the carbs, while also noting if it is high fat or if I'm stressed or if I have a headache.... oiy.... Writing everything down DOES help, but it definitely is a struggle some days. After teaching all day, the last thing I want to do is itemize everything I"ve eaten all day. I have a HP Handheld PC, but I haven't taken the time to set it up so that I can just record everything on there.

Time is definitely a big factor in my control. So many things that I used to do (when I was disciplined and had much better control) I don't take the time to do now. Life just seems to get in the way and any time I might devote to diabetes is replaced with something else, something seemingly more important, or more fun. However, regardless of the time it'll take, I need to get back on track and start to focus more on managing my diabetes. Easier said than done, though.

On another note, the stress in my personal life seems to have settled down a little bit for the time being. I had a mini breakdown last Wednesday and felt like my world was falling apart! I'll spare you the epic and share the cliff notes version - my fiance and I are completely at odds over which church we will get married in and which religion our hypothetical children will be. I was raised Protestant and I've spent so much of my life at my church - some of my happiest times, in fact - involved in activities with my church. It's a warm and welcoming atmosphere and the people there are like family to me. I feel my children should get to experience the same thing, and I think it would be a wonderful thing for them. Also, I have always dreamed of getting married in my church. My mom is adamant about me getting married in my church and won't hear of me getting married anywhere else. My fiance was raised Catholic and claims he HAS to have his children raised Catholic and we HAVE to get married in his church. He attends church weekly but that's about where his involvement ends. I think that's my main objection - he attends, but he's not involved; I attend and I'm very involved... Ugh... I know I'm being close minded about this, but he is too, so we're definitely having a difficult time right now. I thought the engagement period was supposed to be a happy, exciting time, but so far it's just been heartwrenching and frustrating. I think this is more the reality, though... I think a lot of people like to think that the engagement is a happy carefree time, but in reality it's a big freaking tornado of issues, emotions, and dilemmas. I'm going to be soooo ready to shake my booty by the time the wedding finally gets here!!! Ugh...

If you're still reading, please pat yourself on the back!!! I haven't written in a while and really felt the need to write this morning, so you, my friend, are the unfortunate reader of a couple weeks worth of pent up thoughts. I'll try to be more coherent as the week goes on ;) I can't promise anything, though. :)

I Meme - Because it's easier to write this than to write an entry about all the *&^$ I've been through in the past two weeks....

2006-04-20T14:10:00.000-04:00

I AM: scared about my future: as a diabetic, as a teacher, as a future wife, mother, etc...

I WANT: peanut butter ice cream that has no effect on blood sugars or weight AND a cure for diabetes

I WISH: that I could speak my mind without the constant fear that I might upset someone or that someone might not be happy with me.

I HATE: when people ask me if I can take a pill for my diabetes. No - I take shots and if you had to do it to stay alive and healthy, you could and would. Grr..

I MISS: my grandfather and my carefree childhood

I FEAR: becoming depressed again, losing someone I love, and failing... at anything...

I HEAR: the air conditioner spewing out tepid air

I WONDER: how much diabetes effects my moods, emotions, and feelings

I REGRET: not realizing how important it is to stand up for myself until yesterday.

I AM NOT: loud but I surround myself with loud people - go figure!

I DANCE: wretchedly! Even after a few rum and diet cokes, it's a sorry sight.

I SING: when I'm happy

I CRY: when I'm hurt, sad, frustrated, happy, confused....

I AM NOT ALWAYS: as caring as people think I am. I feel downright selfish most days.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Dinner for my fiance and my family

I WRITE: lesson plans, worksheets, poetry, emails

I CONFUSE: being kind with being honest

I NEED: to be more proactive in all areas of my life

I SHOULD: eat a light, easy to count dinner tonight due to my crazy blood sugars (post stress high Blood sugars)

I START: daydreaming about what my life will be like as a wife and as a mom

I FINISH: everything on my plate... hence my stubborn pounds that seem to have permanently settled on my hips, thighs, and butt.

I TAG: anyone who wants to play along!

Top 5 Guilty Pleasures

2006-04-10T14:41:00.000-04:00

I haven't written a post in what seems like forever, so I thought I'd start back into it easy

Top 5 Guilty Pleasures

5. Chocolate pudding with a large tablespoon of peanut butter. The best of both worlds!
4. Sleeping in until 7AM, and then reading the newspaper while eating breakfast.
3. A long, hot bath - not the best for the skin (dries mine out), but it feels amazing at the end of the day!
2. Working out to good music. If I have the right tunes, I could work out all day! Needless to say, I have not found the "right" tunes yet!!! haha

And for the big one...

1. Reading magazines.... yes, the most mindless activity known to man; but after analyzing works of literature all day (I'm a HS Eng teacher), I'm ready to read something I don't have to interpret, analyze, or evaluate!!!! haha

More to come soon - tales from appts with Dr. C; convoluted carb counting, stress, and more !!!

Ratios

2006-03-21T16:17:00.000-05:00

I think it's incredibly cruel that someone like myself - definitely NOT math minded - should get diabetes. This ratio crap is driving me insane. Actually, all of the math involved with diabetes drives me insane. And it's probably because I can't do it in my head right now and can't figure things out quickly - it's taking time, and I'm learning that while I am extremely patient with my students, I have ZERO patience with myself. My mom also tells me I'm very hard on myself, but of course I disagree.... hm...

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what my carb/insulin ratio really should be. I've been using 1:15 ever since I was diagnosed and never really thought twice about it. I liked the safety of 1:15. It's fairly easy for me to eat 15, 30, 45 carbs - I actually try to eat precisely 15, 30 etc... However, as my latest HBA1C results have shown, something's not jiving and I need to figure out what's wrong before I start pumping. I think this is why Dr. C is delaying giving me the pump. It makes sense now, but I'm still reserving the right to be "13 Shades of Pissed Off" . Did I mention I'm stubborn too?

My mom review my logs, which are getting more descriptive and detailed by the day, and suggested I try 1:25 - I balked and acted like she was insane. In short, I was a bitch. Then I calmed down. I tried it yesterday and while it seemed to work in the AM before my workout, it didn't work well at lunch or at dinner. I'm going to try it again another day or two and see the numbers look, but I don't think 1:25 or 1:20 is right for me. And, of course, this could depend on the time of day, the food, the stress level at that time, the alignment of the planets, and number of hairs my neighbor's cat. I'm also a real smart ass.... can you believe someone wants to marry me??? I know - I'm amazed too!!!

The quest for the correct ratio continues, but as it does, hopefully I'll control my temper, be nice to those who offer advice, be open minded to advice and ideas, and keep smart ass comments to myself. This is asking a lot of a person who hates math.

Highest # of Tests in one day....

2006-03-15T21:09:00.000-05:00

I was looking over my logs today and I realized that I might have set a new personal record for number of times testing in one day. Today I tested 13 times, which I'm pretty sure is the most I've ever tested in one day. This may seem like a small number to other diabetics, but I'm a recovering 4 times a day tester... Please don't throw test strips at me - I have tested enough over the years to shingle my roof this spring. :P

So, what's your highest number of tests in one day??

Oatmeal test

2006-03-15T09:12:00.000-05:00

I finally broke down and tried Dr. C's oatmeal test to gauge my insulin needs at meals. His theory is that if you eat a packet of oatmeal, which is supposedly weighed and contains X number of carbs, you can get a clear picture of how much insulin is required to cover X amount of carbs.

My immediate thought when he mentioned oatmeal was the nasty post-meal blood sugars I've always gotten from cereal, oatmeal, and oatbran. However, he's the doctor, I'm the patient, so I tried it out this mornning and here are the results thus far:
6:15 - bs: 40 carbs: 44 bolus: 3 (1/15 ratio) plus 1 unit of correction
7:30 - bs: 286 bolus: 2 units of correction
8:30 - bs: 168

I'm going to keep testing on the hour until lunch, but I probably skewed my results by giving myself a correction bolus at 7:30. I just hate to see #'s above 286 and to do nothing about it seems insane!

There are certain factors that may be effecting this post meal BS bounce to the NetherRegions of OH GOD THAT'S HIGH:
- stress (mucho stress lately)
- high glycemic value of oatmeal
- stress
- lack of sleep (due to stress)
- did I mention stress??

I need to get the stress factor under control, but lately I feel overwhelmed and feel that I'm failing miserably at everything - losing weight, controlling my blood sugars, being a good teacher, being a good fiance, being a good daughter, being a good friend... My mom says that I'm being too hard on myself, but I don't feel that I'm being too hard, I just feel like I"m not handling things as well as I could be. I just feel overwhelmed by life right now, I suppose, as trite and weak as that may sound.

I don't know what is right when it comes to choosing a church for my wedding. I'm Protestant and I've been actively involved in my church my entire life; he's Catholic and has to be married in a Catholic church to remain Catholic. However, I don't want to have to promise before God and everyone that our children will be raised Catholic because I honestly don't think we're ready to make that kind of a decision yet - what if we decide to become Methodists? Or Lutheran? Ugh... I know religion is a sensitive issue with many, so I don't want to offend anyone or speak against anyone's religion. My main issue is that we have to pick a church and one of us is going to have to deal with the upset... and it's looking like it's going to be me... I've thought about having two ceremonies so that we could each be married in our own churches by our own ministers, but does that seem ridiculous?? Does that seem unreasonable? I don't know... I just know that it's only adding to the overwhelmedness (yes, I made that up) I'm dealing with right now.

Anyway - back to the oatmeal: I'm going to try it for at least 3 more breakfasts to see how the numbers pan out. I'll ship those babies off to Dr. C. and let him do the calculating from there - that's what he gets paid the big bucks for. That... and for putting up with patients like me... :)

13 shades of pissed off

2006-03-14T12:37:00.000-05:00

As you may know, I've been waiting (im)patiently for my insulin pump and have been playing phone tag with the nurses at Dr. C's office. The last time I called, they said I needed to send more blood sugar logs so that Dr. C would have more info to send to the insurance company. I called today, just to see if I was any closer to getting my pump, and the nurse calls me back and says that Dr. C wants to work with my on my carb counting because my number consistency is off and he feels it would be too dangerous to start me now. Alright, so he wants to work with me. I can accept that. However, could someone have called me, maybe emailed me back after I emailed blood sugar logs for weeks in a row, sent me a letter - SOMETHING - to let me know that it would be a while before I got my freaking pump? And what's making me even more upset is the fact that my last appt. was Feb 1st and my next appt isn't until April 19th.... MORE WAITING

So really, it seems like I've been carb counting wrong - I suppose - for 4 years, and so what does another month or so matter???? I just don't understand how I'm carb counting wrong... I weigh my fruit and other things that aren't labeled with the FDA nutrition label, and I keep a fairly regular routine of the # of carbs I eat each day at each meal... so what gives???

I know - I'm being unreasonable and impatient and testy. {Note: I just checked, and my blood sugar is not low, so I'm just feeling naturally bitchy right now I guess!} I know that I'll be better off when I start the pump if I've worked on things beforehand with Dr. C. I know this is for the best, but why does it seem like the worst news in the world today??? Why does it feel like such a freaking let down? Ugh...

Has anyone else had to go through a long ordeal to get a pump?

Is it because it's Monday?

2006-03-13T13:32:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's because it's Monday, or maybe I'm just having a really weird day...

1. On my way out the door this morning, I grabbed my cordless phone and tried to cram it in my purse, finally realizing that it WAS NOT my cell phone....

2. I spilled my half of my cup of coffee this morning and in an attempt to clean it up I spilled the other half...

3. I attempted to write on my chalkboard with my ballpoint pen during 3rd period today - luckily the students didn't notice... this is until I laughed my head off and had to explain my sudden outburst...

4. At lunch, I attempted to give myself an injection without putting a pen needle on my Humalog Pen. Obviously, it didn't work without the pen needle... I really need to get a handle on my multi-tasking. I was talking to my friend Deb when I did it and she said, "Laura, what the hell are you doing???" I looked down and was almost puzzled at why it wasn't working, then it dawned on me that I forget the freaking pen needle... My non-diabetic friend had to point that out to me... Geez...

So, all in all - it's been a weird day!!! I just hope I don't have a disasterous mishap at the gym where I will attempt to workout on all sorts of electrical equipment with moving parts. Lord knows what dangers will befall me there!!!

The Highs and Lows

2006-03-11T14:43:00.000-05:00

As a nod to the title of my blog, I thought I'd feature my list of highs and lows for the past week

Highs:
Checking my blood sugar 6+ times almost every day this week
Having a superb glass of wine with dinner last night
Getting a good sweat at the gym on Friday
Making it to pilates twice this week
Waking up at 4AM because I was low (this one works both ways)
Walking outside - the temps finally leapt into the 60's!
Making *smart* corrections - no rage boluses this week!
Spending time with my brother who is home from college on spring break
Realizing there's only about 60 days of school left!!!!
Not overeating and eating before bed for 4 nights in a row

Lows:
Waking up at 4AM because I was low
Feeling overwhelmed by the stress of teaching and preparing for my classes
Feeling frustrated about my weight
Deciding on a church to get married in (He's Catholic, I'm Protestant... ahh!)
Reading posts from other bloggers who share my concerns, fears, and frustrations (this could also a high, because it reminds me that I'm not alone - "misery loves company" seems an appropriate motto for the diabetics of the world sometimes)
Feeling like I'm a failure as a teacher, a colleague, and an employee.... it was just one of those weeks I suppose!

As I look back on the week, I think the highs really outweighed the lows. It doesn't always work this way, though, as we all know. But would this list be much different if I wasn't diabetic? Sure, I wouldn't wake up sweaty and shaking with a pounding heart because of a low, but something else would take the place of that.... And maybe I wouldn't feel so frustrated about my weight if I wasn't a diabetic, but then again, maybe my weight has nothing to do with my diabetes.... Maybe things just seem worse some days because on top of everything else - the stress of a job, of a family, of a relationship, of life - I'm a diabetic.

As This is My Life so beautifully wrote in her recent post, 1+1 doesn't always equal two, some days it's 3, some days it's 8, and some days every calculation in the world fails me and I have to throw up my hands and scrap the day.

I feel like I'm rambling and not really making any sense of things, but that seems fitting considering that my blood sugar control has a similar pattern most of the time. I'm still ANXIOUSLY awaiting my pump. I've called Dr. C and talked to 3 different secretaries and 3 different nurse educators. I've emailed my blood sugar logs repeatedly - to the point of being a nuisance. And still, I wait.

I wish that I was more faithful about writing on my blog, perhaps averaging better than 1 post a week, but lately the work load hasn't allowed it. As I've said before, it's helpful just to put my feelings into words and to read the words of other diabetics who blog and share their highs and lows. In the end, I think our low times make us stronger and better able to comfort others during their low times because we've been there, we can relate. Our lows make us appreciate the highs, and in the end, I think it all works out for the best. That's what I'm sticking with today, anyway. :)

Exercise...

2006-03-04T14:01:00.000-05:00

I usually plan my Saturday's around when I want to exercise. I love the weekends because I'm not pegged into exercising at the end of the day. Throughout the week I exercise after school, and I'm usually run down from work and the stress of trying to get 10th graders to see the slightest glimmer of importance in anything I say. Thus, the weekends are usually my days to exercise early so that I can relax the rest of the day.

This morning, my body had different plans.

I woke up at 237, and since I planned to exercise in about 2-3 hours, I only took 1 unit of correction because I didn't want to go low while exercising later on. So, I finally make my way to the treadmill and after 18 minutes, I notice that I feel funny... so I'm thinking, "Crap, how could I be low??" So I run upstairs and check, and when I see the 346 on the meter my heart plummets about 10 stories. I wasn't mad at the number - screwy things happen during my period and I did only take 1 unit of correction - but what pissed me off was the fact that I didn't feel like I could exercise after my rage bolus (yes, I definitely don't do my best calculations when high...). And it's a good thing I didn't exercise. I dropped 200 points in the span of an hour.

Now, the level headed person would just exercise in the afternoon - no biggie. Not me. I wanted to exercise in the morning - NOT the afternoon - so now any plans I had to exercise today are pretty much down the tubes.

What, you may ask, happened to the girl who said "Screw it!" the other day??? I don't know... but if I find her, I'll let you know.

Apathy???

2006-03-02T07:24:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning at 269, and I think I had an epiphany of sorts....

I know... you're shaking in anticipation..... what could Laura have discovered now???

I looked at the 269 searing a hole into my meter, and I realized that I just didn't give a damn. I gave my shot for breakfast (w/ correction units of course), and then proceeded to enjoy peanut butter toast - which is a major no-no when I'm high. The fat seems to act like 100% pure sugar to my blood sugars sometimes, keeping them high for at least 3 hours afterwards. But I just didn't care this morning.

I know that probably sounds quite foolish, but it's rare for that voice inside of me not to immediately resort to harsh beratements. For a change, that voice said, "screw it!"

As if I hadn't done enough damage with the peanut butter at breakfast, I stopped off for coffee and added some cream. Seems trivial, right? But not for me on a morning when I wake up at 269. Again, a major no-no.

Maybe I put too much blame on myself for my blood sugars? I obviously don't become super disciplined after having bad blood sugars repeatedly, or else I'd be sitting pretty with a 5. whatever HBA1c instead of a 7.2, but I do interalize the number as a reflection of myself. I do the proverbial anger bolus when I'm high and then face the consequences with shaky sweaty hands later on. But I never really take the time to analyze my numbers and look for reasons and rationales for the highs and lows and even the in between numbers. Maybe this is the piece I'm missing??? I've gotten into a mode where I'm getting a lot better about checking frequently, but if I don't start to really look at this data and make *smart* changes, then all of my checking isn't going to add up to better control... it'll just mean my fingers look more tattered than usual... Ah, so slow to learn I seem to be...

Later on today the voices will probably start in as I plead with my blood sugar to return to a sub normal level. And later on I'll look back on this and remember that it was foolish not to care, and that repeatedly not caring is why my numbers are pretty shitty some days. But for no, I'm going to stick with not caring, because it's just easier....

Rollercoaster blood sugars

2006-03-01T11:00:00.000-05:00

The past two weeks have been beyond stressful for me, and it definitely reflects in my blood sugars the past two days. Take yesterday, for example:

Tuesday...
5:00 AM - 51 (ate 2 glucose tabs)
6:00 AM - 143 (ate breakfast)
10:00 AM - 250 - didn't bolus correction dose because of earlier low... stupid... stupid.. .stupid!
11:45 - 230 (ate lunch, correction bolus of 2 units)
hour of pilates
5:30 PM - 295 (dinnertime... WTF!!!)
9:00 - 96 (sugar free popsicle)

(Side note - I realize that the highs and lows today could be attributed to the low waking blood sugar, but this day pretty much mirrors the past week during the stress...)

today...
6:00 AM - 122 (ate breakfast)
8:00 AM - 86 (felt funny... ate a piece of candy)
9:00 AM - 136
10:00 AM - 122

Go figure... Today it seems the drama has settled down, so I guess that too is reflected in my blood sugars.

My doctor reminds me at each appointment that I need to learn how to handle my stress better because it obviously has an effect on my blood sugar. I realize this. I know he's right. And yet when I'm stressed out, the last thing I can seem to do is stay rational and disciplined about my diabetes management.

Oh, I've tried writing in a journal, venting to my fiance, exercising... I've tried finding that happy place.... (which, unfortunately, is never the place where I am currently in the midst of my stressful situation... hmm??)

I have piles upon piles of uplifting, motivating, sunshine-glitter-and-rainbows-make-me-happy quotes that I do read and think about during these times, and I feel the stress lessen to a degree, but I think ultimately my body physically reacts when I"m stressed, and I think my body hangs onto this feeling until the stress is resolved enough that I"m not thinking about it on asubconsciouss level... [ if you're thinking to yourself right now, "wow - what b.s.!!!", I don't blame you... I just re-read that and I think that too...]

At any rate - does anyone have the golden ticket to not letting stress effect blood sugar??? If you do, I'd be very open to hearing it. Even if it does include sunshine... and glitter... and rainbows... :)

Night time lows

2006-02-24T07:39:00.000-05:00

Last night I woke up at 12:30 feeling odd, so I checked and sure enough - 64. I ate two glucose tabs and stumbled back to bed, figuring that would do the trick. Woke up this morning at 5:30 feeling odd, again, so I checked before my shower and sure enough - 57. Guess the rule of two didn't work last night??? (I usually only need 2 glucose tabs to get my bs back to normal). My only explanation for the extended low is the fact that I did a little more exercise last night than I usually do. I went to Pilates for about 45 minutes then went to the gym to do some light cardio for 45 minutes, so perhaps it was a delayed effect from that. Hard to say... At any rate, I feel that this headache I woke up with is going to remain with me throughout the day... thank God it's Friday, right?

Weighed down

2006-02-22T08:44:00.000-05:00

I'm in a constant battle with myself and my body over my weight. I'm at a healthy weight and BMI, but I just know that I'd feel better if I lost about 10-15 pounds.

The problem? I love to eat. I think about eating a lot - we're talking almost every hour of the day. I eat even when I'm not hungry.

I've tried to blame it on stress, my insulin, my blood sugar management... but to be honest I think it all comes down to control. When I was first diagnosed I weighed and measured every bite I ate. I never stuffed myself; always felt satisfied and had tons of energy. Right now I'm at the opposite end of that spectrum. Perhaps my die hard discipline wore me out?? I think I got tired of only eating what was 100% healthy and blood sugar friendly. I think I wanted to feel normal and in my efforts to achieve normalcy, I've also added an inch or two to my hips, thighs, and other unfortunate places. So here's my problem - how do I find that happy medium? I have brief 3-4 day stretches of self control where I return to that disciplined eater but then I get a craving for peanut butter and have a bit more than the suggested 2 tbsp serving... or I feel like having seconds at dinner... or I feel like having snack before bed... The most frustrating part is that I don't eat junk food!!! I eat very healthy, well balanced meals... just not in the right portions, I suppose...

I realize that there isn't really a magic wand that will make my problems go away. I realize that I need to take control over my eating if I ever want to see changes. I realize all this, and yet I'm still sitting here, typing away, feeling sorry for myself.... how pitiful.... !!!! Ugh...

Maybe I should take advice from Lemonade Life's blog...

I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...

.... hey, it's worth a shot!!! haha

In limbo... and A weekend away

2006-02-19T13:39:00.000-05:00

About a week and a half ago I went to a pump training class - pretty much Pumping 101. I loved it. It was a small class, only 4 other diabetics there with family members, but it was just so nice to be in a room with other diabetics! I guess I tend to feel like I'm the only (type 1) diabetic within a 50 mile radius, regardless of the fact that a woman with type 1 lives a mile away... I got to actually hold a pump, play with the buttons, and talk to other diabetics who either are on the pump or were also interested in going on the pump. I was already gung ho about the pump, but after this class I was gung ho to the nth degree! I felt "pumped" (pardon the horrible excuse for a pun..) and wanted to strap on my pump right then and there. Which leaves me to where I am now... in limbo...

So apparently my insurance has cleared the way for my pump, and now we're just waiting for my doctor to fill out his part of the paperwork. At my last appt (over 2 weeks ago) he said he'd sign the paperwork and said that he thought I'd be really pleased with the control I'd get on the pump. However, the Minimed rep called his office a week ago and a secretary told my pump rep that if they called again, Dr. C would throw the papers away.... I guess pump reps get on the dr's about signing papers?? I don't know - it just deflated my whole mood a bit when my pump rep called and told me that. Now I feel apprehensive to even call the office because it's pretty much in my Dr's hands, and I don't want to aggravate the situation. However, at the same time I'm peeved that my life is in his hands - HE gets to decide when he'll sign the papers... nevermind the fact that I wanted to receive my pump about - oh - 5 minutes after I finally decided that I wanted to pump... Grr... It's frustrating..

~~~~~
I spent part of the weekend with my fiance at his brother and sister in law's place. They're in the process of moving from a small house to a new, slightly larger house and needed help packing and getting the new place in livable shape. It's so strange how quickly I take for granted how conscientious my fiance is of my diet choices. In the morning, his sister in law didn't have much for breakfast food other than cereals (which wreak havoc on my bs - so I avoid them) and some plain white bread. My fiance knows I don't eat either one, so he took me to McDonalds so that I could get something that I could actually eat and enjoy without fear of being skyrocketed to the 2 and 300's. What really touches me is that he doesn't even ask me anymore if I can eat the cereal or the white toast - he just knows. (BTW - got a delicious yogurt parfait and apple slices at McDonalds for the stellar price of $2.00!!! ) For lunch, his sister in law ordered pizza, and rather than chow down with the whole clan of starving movers, my fiance takes me to a restaurant so I can get something healthier. Once again - didn't even ask if I could manage a slice of pizza just once - he just knew that I would prefer eating something else and didn't make a big deal of it. That may not seem like much, but to me it means that I've finally found someone who wants what's best for me and my health.

I've been TAGGED!!!

2006-02-09T22:08:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Keith!!!

Four jobs I've had in my life:
* Server at an Ice Cream Stand
* Server at Bob Evans
* Corporate Trainer at Comp. Learning Network
* High School English teacher

Four movies I can watch over and over:
* When Harry Met Sally
* Sleepless in Seattle
* Good Will Hunting
* Wedding Crashers (6 times already!)

Four places I have lived:
* Hometown (middle of nowhere) Pennsylvania
* Johnstown, Pennsylvania
* BACK to Hometown in Pennsylvania...
* ...still here... still living at home... God have mercy... ;)

Four TV shows I love to watch:
* Friends (reruns)
* Dateline NBC
* Semi-Homemade w/ Sandra Lee
* Sex and the City (reruns - water down versions on TBS)

Four places I have been on vacation:
* Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
* Panama City, Florida
* College Station, Texas
* Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Four of my favorite foods:
* Peanut butter celery
* Peanut butter toast
* Peanut butter ice cream
* Peanuts
... anyone notice a trend???

Four websites I visit daily:
* www.theweddingchannel.com (Wedding in a a year and a half... ;)
* www.diabetestalkfest.com
* OC and numerous DBloggers
* www.amazon.com (I'm a compuslive book buyer... the UPS guy LOVES me! haha)

Four places I'd rather be right now:
* Ski Lodge - luxury suite - with my fiance
* Caribbean Cruise - with my fiance and some friends
* Myrtle Beach, SC - taking walks on the beach by the moonlight and during the sunrises
* The gym - I'd be burning more calories than I am right now, sitting here, on my butt... haha

I don't really know enough bloggers to tag anyone... so I'll hold off for now!!! :)

Re-learning

2006-02-06T11:23:00.000-05:00

Well, my intention to post on Thursday failed, as did my attempt to do so on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so I've resolved to do so right now during my lunch break!!! haha

The Appt w/ Dr. C....
After carefully scrutinizing my blood sugar logs, Dr. C did some calculations to try to figure out why I am constantly high in the morning, and why my carb/insulin ratio doesn't seem to be working for me at this time of the day. He gave me a lot of "homework" (Side note... as a teacher, I took this to be a lesson in compassion, which I (un?)fortunately remembered the next day as I gave a lighter reading assignment to my kids. ) -Anyway, my homework consists of doing a lot of testing in the morning and a lot of trials with different foods in the morning to determine what my carb/insulin ratio should be in the morning, and to determine if I am really as insulin resistant in the morning as my numbers show. I think Dr. C. thinks I'm not calcuating my carbs correctly, so I'm going to be more mindful about my guesstimating. I guess after 4 years I've gotten lax in many areas - carb counting, obviously - so it's time to reevaluate my guesstimating skills. I think I'm going to invest in a gram scale and hopefully I'll muster the patience to actually use it when I'm preparing a meal for myself.

To be quite honest, the appt. w/ Dr. C went well, but I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I left. I was ready to blame everything/one else but me for the poor control I"ve been having in the morning and to have Dr. C. question what I"ve been doing for the past four years was a bit hard to swallow (Note to self - lesson number 2 - you are NOT the goddess of guesstimating - get over it!!!). I was definitely too sensitive about the entire situation - I can see that now - and I realize that he made an excellent point.

So far my testing has shown that my insulin sensitivity in the morning is better when I eat a very low-fat breakfast (yogurt, unbuttered toast) than if I eat one with some fat (yogut, toast w/ 1 tbsp pb). I wouldn't think fat would make that much of a difference, especially since it's "healthy" fat, but perhaps my body can't really handle fat in the morning. It certainly wouldn't hurt me to go without pb or butter.... *sigh*...

Dr. C is all for the pump, but he wants me to do more testing in the meantime so that I know exactly what my carb/insulin ratio should be for each meal. I"m also going to do more basal testing to get a better picture of how much insulin I need throughout the day. It's so weird - I used to skip meals all the time (in my other life...) and not think a thing of it; now, when I need to skip meals, I feel like I"m being cruelly denied air - or gum (see January post)!!! How ironic...

I'll try to do better about updating the blog this week. I really appreciate everyone's feedback and I love reading other blogs - there are so many talented writers!! Who knew diabetes could make for such interesting reading???

Mid morning melt down

2006-02-01T11:16:00.000-05:00

Just had to share my little melt down with you - thought you'd appreciate it...
I had a little treat on the 3rd period students' desks today when they came in - a comic strip that had one of our vocab words in it (I know... corny...!) and a piece of candy. I had a piece of sugar free gum at the one seat because one of my students is a diabetic. When I walked in the room from hall duty, I noticed that someone had taken his piece of gum and replaced it with a piece of candy. Luckily the student with diabetes wasn't there yet, so it wasn't really a big deal to him, but I was so disgusted with his fellow students!!! I said to the kids "How can you be so rude and inconsiderate?? I had gum there for a reason" - and they all just looked at me with blank faces and a few guilty faces. Ugh... the kids were doing group work, so I could kind of sneak to the back to collect myself, but I was so livid... I know i need to keep this in perspective and look at the situation more objectively, but instead I took it as a personal cut.

The student with diabetes eats whatever he wants, and the kids know this and see this all the time, but I just couldn't give him candy knowing that he's diabetic... I know I would appreciate it if someone remembered that I was diabetic and offered me gum instead... ugh...

I had to step outside because I started to cry and didn't want to make a scene, but I"m sure I did anyway!!!

I realize and accept that everyone manages their diabetes differently... I guess it just really upset me because I thought the kids were being really selfish and cruel... in reality, they probably didn't think a thing of it, but it really, really got to me... it was one of those moments when I loathe diabetes and the monster it makes out of me.....

Endo Appt

2006-01-31T12:44:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I have an appt with my endo - time to survey the damage of Christmas, a final master's project, and an engagement on my blood sugar... the dreaded A1C.... haha I know - I'm being melodramatic, but I hate the sense of impending doom that accompanies my A1C tests. I know I'm partially to blame, but my pancreas takes the other part of the blame, which is my only consolation at times like these. As I review my numbers over the past few months, I can venture a guess at what my A1C might be, but I'd rather not throw out figures just yet.

Regardless, I'm actually looking forward to my endo appt. because it will give me the opportunity to talk to him (Dr. C - from now on; I hate "endo".... does anyone else cringe at the sound of that word??? END-o???) about starting on an insulin pump. The insurance paper work has been taken care of, I just need Dr. C's okay and I should be on my merrily pumping way. When I got the call from my Pump Rep, I actually felt excited about something related to diabetes.... I can tell you that those moments are very few and far between for me, so I relished the moment by envisioning myself becoming a model pumper - the picture of pumping at its finest.... (cue harps and sunbeams)... Overall, I'll just be happy if pumping gives me more flexibility, if it lets me feel closer to "normal" once in a while, if it helps me to stop vengeful eating at night (after seeing bad post meal #s).... if it improves my control... well, that will just be the proverbial cherry on top! I still have a lot to learn and vial upon vial of test strips to use up in the process, but I am EXCITED...

Was it my head cold???

2006-01-27T08:16:00.000-05:00

Test Strip Slip-up....
I have to fess up to a semi-major whoops I had this week. I just realized today that I didn't code my meter after I opened a new container of test strips.... and I just finished the first 25 test strips this morning... my meter was still coded on 10, and my test strips new code was 22... Grr...

Regardless, I haven't noticed a big range in my blood sugars this week, so I'm not really sure what to think of it!!! I had a major head cold and was very congested and miserable earlier this week, so maybe in the whirl of getting engaged and then getting sick, my diabetes mind shut off and I went into auto pilot... haha hard to say I guess. Has anyone else ever done something like that?

Pumping Iron...
Even though my wedding won't occur for a year and a half (Summer 2007), I've decided now is the time to finally talk to those nice people at the gym about setting up a weight lifting/strength training program. I'm a cardio queen, I love using the exercises machines and walking outside, but I seem to have a total aversion to lifting weights. I know it will help me to lose weight and get more out of my workouts, but I just haven't gotten in to it yet. I have about 10-15 pounds that I want rid of soon (as in yesterday-impatience strikes again!), so I'm really hoping that I can kick it in gear now that I'm done with my master's and have a wedding to look forward to! Any advice on this from other Type-1s?

In other news....
I went to bed the other night with my blood sugar at 104. I had a piece of string cheese and some sugar free jello and went to bed. Slept like a lamb. Woke up next morning: 256.... Recheck? Why not - 265.... *shit*... I was about to go through my usual beratement of myself, then I remembered the advice I've received through this blog and on discussion boards and I thought back through my evening... I went to bed at 9:30... which was about two and a half hours after I finished dinner, so most likely I was still metabolizing my dinner and I hadn't seen the full effect of my evening meal on my blood sugar yet. Also, I had a head cold, which hadn't really given me any questionable numbers until that one ... But regardless, it's annoying! I really can't wait to get a CGMS. I think it would answer a lot of questions that I haven't tested enough to answer yet. I know, I should be realistic and just test more, right??? Sounds easy, right?? I know!!! And yet, I still don't do it. Maybe I need to set up an incentive program for myself or something?? I'm constantly amazed at how easily this disease can unearth my faults and numerous imperfections...

Well, I'd better close before I launch into another ramble...!! Thanks for reading - I'll try to be more concise and focused next time!!! ;) Until then - thank you to all of you who congratulated me on my engagement! I'm still on cloud nine :)

Good Highs....

2006-01-25T09:08:00.000-05:00

It's nice when I have times that make me all but forget that I'm diabetic. The past weekend was one of those times.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now, and last weekend we went to a nearby ski resort to celebrate and do some skiing. Well, unfortunately mother nature didn't have skiing in mind for us - it rained most of the stinking day - however, we did have plenty to celebrate! On Saturday night, I had a wonderful "high" - my boyfriend asked me to marry him!!! I was completely and utterly shocked! I hadn't been expecting him to propose for a while because he just finished his bachelor's degree and had said he wanted to get settled in a career before we started making plans for a wedding. That same day I had been thinking about going on the pump (which will take place within the next month or so!!!), teaching my classes the following week, and losing weight (a constant battle). It's amazing how all of those thoughts vanished when he knelt down, looked me in the eyes, and tearfully asked me to marry him. I said yes, and I think it served a dual purpose - a word of consent and word of exclamation... Yes - there is life beyond diabetes... Yes - I can have a life and be a diabetic... Yes - I am lovable regardless of how ugly this disease can make me sometimes... YES!!!!

Impatient patient

2006-01-19T09:13:00.000-05:00

I've been reading a lot lately about the continue glucose monitors, and I'm really wishing I could get one pronto. In my mind, I can imagine myself keeping my blood sugar in near perfect control because I would constantly know my blood sugar. "Do I really need an extra serving at dinner? Why no! My blood sugar will go too high!" This would be opposed to my current thinking "I won't be testing for another 3 hours, so that'll give it enough time to get back down.." Flawed thinking, I realize, but this keeps me sane most days.

When I was first diagnosed, I would test at random throughout the day and would be appalled if I saw a number above 180, certain that I was slowly killing myself with each out of range number. Now, if I see a post-prad. under 180 I bust a move and applaud myself on my stellar carb counting/insulin management. Unfortunately, these dances don't occur on a regular basis for two reasons: 1 - I can be lazy with my carb counting and 2 - I'm horrible about testing 2-3 hours after a meal. Hence, my need for the continuous glucose monitor... so that I can perpetuate my laziness.

My first meter was a One Touch Basic, which took 45 seconds for a test result. 45 seconds... I always felt as if it was a count down to my death, I honestly took the results that seriously. And in retrospect, it might be good if I still had that strong sense of doom with each blood sugar reading. Maybe I've become too laissez faire? My current meter, One Touch Ultra Smart, gives me readings in 5 seconds, which gives me just enough time to suck on my finger to stop the bleeding (gross, but effective!). However, my current claim for why I do not test more is because I don't have time when I'm teaching to break out my meter and test my blood sugar. The real reason - I think I'm just too damn lazy and impatient. I have a million things going on in the average day at school, and the last thing I want to think about it what my blood sugar is doing, especially if I've just had to ream out a student! But the truth is, I would probably be a better teacher if I kept my diabetes in really tight control. Lord knows I've had some days where I was swinging from high to low, and I was just happy that I could talk in complete sentences, let along lead a discussion about the symbolism used by James Hurst in "The Scarlet Ibis." But I digress...

I think my main problems with testing are that I'm impatient and I hate bad news. To a normal person, five seconds is nothing; but to me, five seconds to test my blood sugar seems like an eternity and a real annoyance. Also, I hate bad news. I hate seeing high blood sugars or unexplained lows at inconvenient times (not that there's ever a great time for either...). As I write in this blog, I'm beginning to see that even though I've had diabetes for four years, I still have a lot of issues I need to address if I ever want to have tight control. I need to accept that diabetes is a part of my life, I need to take time (albeit, 5 -10 seconds) to check my blood sugar.... So... without further delay, I'm going to check my blood sugar... :)

Confessions

2006-01-18T14:26:00.000-05:00

I've decided to dedicate this post to a list of confessions. I'm not sure why I feel led to "confess" to these things, but if anything, maybe I'll come to accept some of my bad habits through this blog.

Confession #1 - I'm a Gum-aholic
I chew anywhere between 4-10 pieces of gum a day. Granted, it's sugar free and leaves my breath minty fresh, but do I really need to chew to excess? I think I started chewing gum at a feverish pace after I became diabetic. I always hated the between meal times because I never ate a bite between meals but had to watch everyone else eat whenever they wanted. The gum helped because I felt like I was chewing something. However, over the years of diagnoses, I think the gum has just become another bad habit, like biting my nails. Any suggestions from fellow gum-aholics? Or am I the only one???

Confession #2 - Blood sugar brainwashing
I think my blood sugars tend to effect my eating patterns. If my blood sugars are good, I tend to eat reasonable meals, carb count extra carefully, and avoid eating between meals and before bed. However, if I'm having a period of horrible blood sugars, I'm likely to eat regardless of the blood sugar number and, unfortunately, regardless of my hunger level. I think I do this to spite my blood sugars.... Foolish? Yes... Do I realize this while I'm doing it? Yes... DOUBLE foolish... As my mom would say, it's like cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Confession #3 - Guilt trips
George Carlin once said that people should take trips to foreign countries and the beach, but never take guilt trips. Easier said than done, George. I've always been a very sensitive person, but I think being diabetic has heightened my sense of self loathing when I do something that I feel has hurt, annoyed, or angered another person. For instance, my boyfriend - I tend to take everything he says to heart. I fail to put the comments in context given the circumstances, and I become an emotional ball of sobbing, snotting guilt. Not some of my finer moments, mind you. I go on MAJOR guilt trips with my family. I've always been very close to them, but since I met and began dating my boyfriend (going on 2 years now), I've had to deal with major guilt issues of not spending enough time with them anymore. I know I need to just grow up and accept that this is part of an adult relationship, but it's definitely a struggle for me.

There are definitely more things I could confess to, but I'll leave you with the Cliff Notes version for now. I do feel a little bit better now, but I doubt I'm at the point of reconciliation with my faults.... in fact, I can already see myself grabbing my purse for that 8th piece of gum....

2006-01-15T14:51:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning this blog quite optimistically - I honestly have no idea how often I'll be able to write or if what I write will interest anyone but myself (and even that may be a stretch some days), but I'm beginning this with the hope that it will help me through the good and bad times of being a type 1 diabetic.

I often wonder how diffferent my life would be if I didn't have diabetes. I can hardly remember my life before diabetes, which saddens me since I've only had diabetes for four years.. I wonder how I would handle the stress of teaching, a long term relationship, grad school ... would I handle it any better? Or, would I respond the same way, minus the rollercoaster blood sugars during stressful times?

I often wonder how much I let diabetes control my life. Do I hesitate to be more spontaneous because I'm just that boring, or is it because my mind starts to reel thinking about my blood sugar? I used to love to snow ski, but anymore I almost hate to go because I hate the bother of finding some safe place to store my meter and insulin. I also worry of going low, testing my already questionable coordination as I try to avoid becoming a human snowball, propelling down the slope.

On the other hand, I wonder if I would be so health conscious if I hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes. I exercise 6-7 days a week and I eat healthy, well-balanced meals; some days it's easy and other days I trudge to the gym, swearing I'll only exercise 30 minutes. I love to cook and prepare my own food, which I think is partially due to being a diabetic. Even though my mom is an excellent cook who prepares very healthy meals, I love having complete control over what I'm eating.

Diabetes has also made me appreciate my health. I became very depressed after I was diagnosed, partially because I realized I never appreciated my health until it was seemingly gone. I now try to remind myself that I have the ability to take care of myself so that I can have many healthy days ahead of me. I'm going to have highs and lows, but what matters most is how I respond to both - hopefully with the same optimisim that I felt when I began this blog.... :)